


Keeping the Faith Series

by maxinehouse



Series: Keeping The Faith [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 00:03:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9572822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxinehouse/pseuds/maxinehouse
Summary: The Journey begins





	1. Keeping The Faith Introduction

Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Star Trek, not me. I don't own anything at all, I have children. 

The series includes; "We Didn’t Start the Fire", "The Down- Easter Alexa", "I Go to Extremes", "The Stranger", "An Innocent Man", "And So it Goes", "A Matter of Trust", "To Make You feel My Love", "This is the Time", "Shameless" and "All About Soul". 

 

Warning: If you're a canon nut, you probably won't like what I've done to it. It begins at the end of the Caretaker episode and follows the crew through their trails and tribulations in the Delta Quadrant, for a while anyway. 

 

A/N1: This is a Chakotay/Paris were friends from the time they met story. So to help establish that... read A/N2. A/N 2: I've decided to play with canon again, but not really. Why? Because I WANT to. How? Well, Caldik Prime happened, Tom lied, yes; he was tossed from Starfleet. He did join the Maquis, he was captured on his first mission for them, and sure he went to prison. BUT: He wanted out of Starfleet because he believed in the Maquis cause. He knew if he just quit his Admiral father would hunt him down, thus causing more problems for his new friend Captain Chakotay. So, after the accident and a visit from a ranting Owen Paris, Tom used the opportunity to get the hell out of Dodge. (First canon change) He met up with Chakotay and off he went to help with the freedom fighters. During his stay, the Maquis found out that Starfleet was going to intercept them during a specific mission. Tom volunteered to be used as bait. So, he flew in one direction while Chakotay and crew went in another. (Second canon change) During his incarceration, Tom would 'hear' from Chakotay sporadically. Janeway showed up and asked for his help, when he heard whom she was going after, Tom had to agree. He needed to find his friends. He was also pissed that he hadn't pegged Tuvok as a spy when he was told about the Vulcan. (Third canon change) The scene on the bridge in Caretaker, didn't happen that way. Yes, Chakotay was pissed to see Tom there, but it wasn't because he believed Paris helped Janeway hunt him down. It was because one more person he cared about was now 70,000 light years from home. There were no accusations thrown Tom's way, just a growl "Paris, what are you doing here?" (Fourth canon change) Finally, there will be NO Paris/Torres ever! (Fifth canon change). A/N 3: The titles of the stories are taken from Billy Joel songs. No, these aren't songfics. The premise of each story is based on the idea behind each song. There might even be a line or two from each story used by a character, but there's no singing, I promise.

A/N 4: June 12,2003 – Since starting this series I learned that Billy Joel, is writing and producing a Broadway play using a number of his songs as the backdrop. Here is where I say, until today I had no idea this was being done, I did not take the notion of this series from the original artist. I was listening to "Billy Joel Greatest Hits; Volume 3 and came up with the idea all on my own.

****February 2017 I have found that I wanted to revisit this series. Wonder what has happened over the years since Tom and Chakotay got back from the DQ. So I will be adding a second "Part" to the series. *** The first one will be called "You're Only Human". Yes, the working titles will all be Billy Joel Song Titles and the idea or concept behind each song is the basis for each snippet of life.


	2. We Didn't Start the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Journey begins

Maquis Captain Chakotay sat in the ready room of Starfleet Captain Kathryn Janeway, wondering just how in hell he'd ended up there. When he'd left Starfleet to fight with the Maquis against the Cardassians and his former employers, he'd never envisioned himself actually back in the ‘fold’.

He watched his ‘captor’ settle herself into her big chair and look him over like he was a piece of something she’d scraped off the bottom of her shoe. Oh, her expression was pure mask; this woman wouldn’t be tactless enough at this stage of the game to actually show her disdain.

"We have a problem, Captain," she spoke firmly.

"Do we?"

"Yes, but I think if we work together things could be easier for all. I’d like you to become my first officer, to replace Commander Cavit. Our two crews need to work together to get us home."

"I see. And if I choose to say no?"

"You and your crew will spend the next seventy years in my brig."

"Ah," he spat. "Well, then Captain, I suppose for the good of *my* crew, I’ll have to agree."

"I thought you might," she gave him a victorious smile. "I do have one question for you. Of a more personal nature, if you don’t mind, that is."

"No, you can ask me anything you like. But I reserve the right not to answer."

"Fair enough. I looked over your Starfleet dossier and I don’t understand why you would throw it all away to fight a losing battle."

Chakotay couldn’t help be smile. How typical. 

"With all due respect Captain, we didn’t start the fire. We tried to fight it. Conflict has been going on since the beginning of time, the Maquis merely tried to put out the flames that were started in our corner of the universe." 

Captain Janeway sat for a moment, taking in what the Maquis sitting before her said. She couldn’t truly disagree with his explanation, in that, no they didn’t start the fight. They were just trying to hold on to a bit of hope. No fault there even if she believed in her heart that Starfleet had made a correct decision: and she did. She admitted that had it been her home world under attack she would have probably done the same thing he’d done. Not that she’d say that out loud to this man, yet. 

She nodded. "I suppose that’s as good an explanation as any. I can only hope that your crew understands that this is a Starfleet vessel and will be run as such."

"Don’t worry Captain, I’ll make sure they're fully aware of that fact, as well as the penalties for not complying. If that’s all, I’d like to go and talk to my people."

"Our people, now, Commander. Of course, you’re dismissed." 

Chakotay nodded, stood and left Janeway's office. He walked through the sleek ship that was now his ‘home’, trying to order his thoughts. How he was going to tell his friends? They were expect to live by rules and regulations of an organization that they felt true hostility towards, on a journey that would take them years, if not decades. 

Once he was done breaking the news, he was going to wring Tom Paris’ neck for coming after him. He understood his friend’s reasoning, but that didn’t make him feel any better about the fact that he had one more person to worry about now. Chakotay knew that Tom had hated being caged like he was, but damn it, at least he'd been safe in Auckland. Chakotay had made sure of it. The Maquis housed there had been under orders to keep an eye on the young blond, but not let him know they were doing so. 

Tom Paris, son of Admiral fucking Paris, had risked his life for the Maquis. They owed him protection, even if he would have refused it, had it been offered outright. Chakotay shook his head thinking about the younger man. Tom was a contradiction on two legs. It was only because he knew Paris so well, that he understood Tom hid behind a false bravado because of how he grew up. Years of not showing his father the hurt Tom constantly felt when his old man nit-picked, helped the blond perfect his game. 

Chakotay still had trouble at times understanding how they became such good friends so quickly. Talk about direct opposites. At first, the only thing they seem to have in common was the desire to rid the universe of the Cardassians. That changed very quickly, in one weekend to be exact. By the time they parted company, after spending three days in Marseilles, Chakotay *knew* he’d just left a life long friend. 

He found himself standing in front of the door to the room that held the people he valued most these days. Sighing, he straightened his spine and triggered the door. When he entered, his entire crew stood quickly, respectfully, and waited to hear their fate.

"Relax everyone," he said with a smile. "We won’t be spending the next seventy years in the brig. *But* we will be serving on a Starfleet vessel and as such we *will* be required to follow Starfleet rules and regulations." That was met with an uproar. He held up his hand to stop the onslaught of curses and outrage. 

"Listen, I understand it’s not what any of you want, but of the choices we have, it is the lesser evil." He paused and ran his fingers through his hair. "As long as we always remember that there is a fight going on at home, and our family and friends *need* us to get back there. That should help us make it through. Keep the fire in your gut and look for any way to get us the hell out of this god forsaken place quicker."

To his left he heard Tom murmur, "Keep the Faith." A favorite saying of his when things got rough.

Chakotay watched as determination flitted across their faces, and he knew they would do whatever was necessary to make it home. 

"I have been offered and accepted the position as first officer. Before you say it, it was that or stare at the inside of Voyager’s brig for the rest of my life. Now, because of my commission, you do *and* will always have a voice, as along as you remember to come to *me* before you do anything Starfleet would consider ‘treasonous’. Give me a damn good reason why you acted the way you did and I’ll fight the Captain for you. Don’t make me regret that decision and never doubt that I will kick some serious ass if you fuck up." 

Chakotay stopped and waited for the insults to end. He chuckled inwardly; he just loved to get them riled up like this. 

"I’m asking you *all* to make me proud and prove to Starfleet that you are good people. Now, as part of my job, I’m supposed to put you in departments where you'll be of the most use. We’ll go over my thoughts, if any of you have objections, I suggest you voice them here and now. I might not be able to change it later."

For the next three hours, Commander Chakotay, former Maquis captain, discussed, argued and browbeat his comrades in to submission, acceptance and their places within the confines of Voyager. When he was done, he looked at Tom and snarled.

"Paris, you and I *will* be discussing your part in getting your ass stuck out here with the rest of us."

"Hey, Chief. Give me a break, okay? I couldn’t let her come after you. I figured I could lead them in the wrong direction. Even if I wanted to know just what the hell happened to all of you. And I wanted to kick a little Vulcan ass, to boot. How in hell was I supposed to know you'd get yourself dragged seventy-five thousand light years from home?" Tom asked with a smirk.

"We’re still going to discuss it," he growled. 

"Ut oh, Paris, you’re ass is toast," Dalby yelled from the back of the room. Everyone laughed in agreement, including Tom and Chakotay.

"Okay, Chief. But could you not discuss it too hard. I have to be able to fly this baby." He smiled.

Chakotay chuckled. "I’ll think about it." He turned to his friends. "Okay, everyone, go and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow we start getting us back to the Alpha Quadrant." He picked up several padds and started handing them out. "These have your assigned quarters and duties on them. Night."

As Tom passed him, Chakotay put a hand on his arm. "Wait."

Tom nodded and stood back to allow the others to leave. When they were alone, he looked at his friend, and saw a slow burn of anger. 

"Look, Chakotay, you can be pissed at me for the next seventy years. That’s okay, but I’ll never be sorry for coming after you. I was worried, we all were. No one at Auckland could tell me anything, they hadn’t heard a damned thing and rumors were flying that you were all dead. I *had* to know for sure," he explained with pain in his voice. "You’re my friend, I couldn’t stand not knowing what the hell happened to you. So, be pissed if you want, that’s your decision. But know that if I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat."

"I know, Tom. I’m not really angry, just disappointed that because of me, you’re stuck out here with the rest of us. I’d have preferred it if you were back at Auckland and safe. No matter now, it’s over," he said, hoping to reassure the blond that he really wasn’t pissed. 

"Okay, Chief. Now, can I get my assigned quarters? I’m exhausted."

Chakotay chuckled and handed Tom his padd. "Night, Paris, see you tomorrow."

The End… To be continued in "The Downeaster Alexa


	3. The Downeaster Alexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Struggle

Commander Chakotay, First Officer of the Federation Starship Voyager, stepped into his quarters and let out a groan. Yet another long day in a series of extremely long days had finally ended. 'It'd been three weeks since the ship and its surviving crew, along with Chakotay and his band of Maquis fighters, had gotten tossed seventy thousand light years from home. In that three weeks, they had been taken and probed for compatibility with some huge blob of ectoplasm. Met and helped a small planet filled with telepaths who cared little for anything outside their own world. Got into a pissing contest with another race claiming to be the sector’s owners. And as a result, they were trying to outrun the same group of reptilian aliens who were now hell bent on taking over Voyager 

Oh, how he longed for the days when life was simple: outrunning Cardassian and Starfleet warships alike. He snorted to himself as he removed the uniform that he’d been in for the last thirty-six hours. He couldn’t believe he actually wished he were back in the Alpha Quadrant playing cat and mouse with that sector’s reptiles. To be honest, with himself at least, what he really missed was the Crazy Horse. 

She might have been old and battered, but she was *his*, and damn but she'd been fine. He still shook his head when he thought about the lunacy behind him giving her up to save Voyager. Oh, he knew in his head that it was the right thing to do; the only thing that could be done. But, he still missed that old bucket of bolts. 

One time Tom had called the Crazy Horse his "Down-Easter Alexa". When Chakotay asked, Tom explained that it was a fishing boat from the island off the New York coast. The captain of the ship gave up everything he owned to it and the sea, because his family needed to survive. The Crazy Horse was like that for Chakotay and his people. 

The bed in his quarters had been broken in just right, he thought as he sat on the ultra firm mattress he now had to sleep on every night. His clothes, again, all worn to the exact feel he enjoyed. So unlike the starchy, stiff uniform he now had to put on every morning. Chakotay supposed that the shower in his quarters here was a semi decent trade off, considering that before he only had a sonic shower, and he never actually felt really clean after he was done in one of those. 

Still, when he took off in the Crazy Horse for the first time, he believed he’d found home in space. Chakotay remembered one transmission he sent back to his family: "There are giants out there to be slain and a good captain can’t fall asleep." He may not have wanted to be where he was nor doing what he had to, but he had people back home depending on him. Being a Captain in the Maquis fight might mean the end of his life, but there was no more Dorvan for Dorvanians like him.

Chakotay removed his boots and clothes, tossed them in the refresher and crawled into bed. His heart and head felt heavy, as he wished for a more simple existence. While he’d had the experience as both a captain and a lieutenant commander, here in the DQ, burdens seemed to be greater. Yes, fighting the Cardies and Starfleet had been rough, but at least he'd known the faces of his enemy. Here no one really did. 

Cutting off that train of thought, Chakotay inhaled deeply and slowly centered himself, so he could begin the process of clearing his mind for sleep. It didn’t take long before his breathing became deep and steady; the tension in his body slipping away like a snake’s shedding skin.

Within minutes, Chakotay of Dorvan V was in a peaceful sleep. 

Morning came all too quickly for Chakotay; it felt like he’d just laid his head down when the computer called for him to begin his day. A grunt escaped his lips as he pulled himself out of bed. He went through his morning ritual of washing and dressing, all while his mind raced through the duties set before him for the day. 

His first priority was talk to the captain about making B’Elanna Torres Chief Engineer. He’d had a long session with the half Klingon yesterday, as she bitched and moaned about ‘Lieutenant Fucking Joe Carey’ and his screwed up Starfleet notations. Torres believed that because of their situation, following the book wouldn't always work and Lieutenant Carey refused to see that. 

As Chakotay left his quarters and made his way to the messhall, the sense of dread hanging over his head was twofold. One: the strange little Talaxian Neelix and his version of good food, and two: convincing Captain Janeway to give B'Elanna a chance. Somehow, he believed the latter was going to be a bit easier to take than the former. 

The sights and smells that greeted him as he entered the messhall were not encouraging. Two of the Maquis were standing toe to toe with two of the Fleet crew. Whatever they were arguing about seemed to be coming to a head. {Shit!} He growled inwardly. Chakotay stepped up, full Commander mode in place.

"What seems to be the problem?" He demanded.

"Cap, these two fleeters decided that we didn't deserve to have a meal at the same time as they did. Seeing how we're criminals and they aren't," Phil Jarvin, one of the Maquis, spoke up. Bob Carlson stood straight next to his friend, seething with anger. 

Chakotay looked at Crewmembers Walter Baxter and John Larson, wishing he could handle them as he would one of his own. He then cast his eyes at two of the men he'd sworn to protect when they joined his cell.

"I see. Jarvin, Carlson, you two go and have your meal. I'll speak to our fellow crewmates." He watched as his two friends walked away, then turned back to the Starfleet crewmen. "Gentlemen, I'm aware of the fact that you *might* believe you have just cause. *But* Captain Janeway has made it quite clear that we are to be *one* crew. The Maquis are supposed to put aside their hostilities, I suggest you do the same."

Both men, still struggling with their own disgust borne of the idea of having to 'share' space with the Maquis, nodded to their new first officer. 

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir," Baxter said, his voice barely hiding his contempt of the man standing before him. He tugged at Larson's sleeve. "Let's go."

They walked away, but Chakotay heard Larson grumbling that he'd be damned if he'd break bread with the scum Maquis. Again, Chakotay wished he were able to incorporate Maquis discipline. Things would go so much more smoothly if certain people knew they'd get their lights knocked out if they didn't straighten up and fly right. 

Looking over at the table where Jarvin and Carlson were sitting, Chakotay promised that *his* crew wouldn't forget how things were handled in his cell. There were times to pick your battles and others when you cut your losses, turned tail and regrouped. 

Chakotay went over to the counter to collect a breakfast he knew he wouldn't eat now. He could feel his insides boiling up, again. He wasn't so sure he could actually do the job Captain Janeway set before him. Sighing, he took a plate of food and a cup of what he hoped was tea, and went to a corner table.

Tom Paris came in moments later, with Ensign Harry Kim following close behind. Chakotay couldn't help but laugh at the sight. His friend had gotten himself a human version of a puppy. He'd have to make a point of teasing the blond about it, in private. 

"Hey, Chakotay. Mind if we sit with you?" Tom asked, as he dropped his tray on the table. 

"Not like you gave me a choice, is it, Paris?" He said with a smile. "Morning Ensign, have a seat."

"So, Chief, how's it going? Everyone cooperating for you?" Tom sat across from his friend, and began eating.

"Everything is fine, Tom. People are still adjusting, but they'll get there. How are you doing? Not wearing yourself out too much with all that fancy flying you've had to do, are you?"

"Nah. Piece of cake," Tom waved off his concern in between mouthfuls. 

"Good," Chakotay smiled. 

"So, Chakotay. Do you have the time this evening to come and hang out with some of us lowly peasants? Or will you be neck deep in reports?" 

"You know, that actually sounds like a great idea, Tom. I can't remember the last time I just kicked back and relaxed for a couple of hours. If there's nothing too pressing, sure I'll join you. Just tell me when and where." Chakotay's shoulders suddenly felt a bit lighter. Tom was always able to make him feel better, and remind him that he was human and not a machine. 

"Meet me in my quarters at twenty hundred hours. We'll have fun," Tom said enthusiastically. 

"Sure thing," Chakotay stood. "Now, it's off to speak with the Captain about a few things. See you both on the bridge."

Harry had jumped up and saluted Chakotay as he left. Tom laughed at the younger man.

"Keep the Faith, Chief!" Tom yelled.

"Relax, Harry. Chakotay doesn’t expect you to be formal off duty."

"Tom, he's the first officer. Commander Chakotay deserves that respect," Harry informed his new friend as he sat again. 

"Trust me, Harry. Commander Chakotay would prefer not to be addressed as 'Commander' when he's off duty."

Harry shook his head but didn't say anything. He'd have to believe the pilot, Tom and Chakotay had been friends for a couple of years. That's what Paris told him, anyway.

They ate their meal in silence. Tom watched the room, noting the vague hostility surrounding him. This did *not* bode well. He'd have to come up with a way for everyone on the ship to loosen up a bit. He actually had the perfect solution, he'd been working on a holoprogram at Auckland which he'd brought with him. Tom decided to finish it up quickly and share it with the crew. 

Once they were done with their meal, Tom and Harry left to report for duty. 

The End… To be continued in "I Go to Extremes"


	4. I Go to Extremes

Tom Paris, stood back as his crewmates entered the holodeck. His program had been unveiled, Sandrine's, the very bar in Marseilles where he'd met Chakotay. While in Auckland, he'd begun creating the program as a birthday gift for his friend. Of course, originally it would have been a couple of years before he could actually give it to him, but it was the thought that counts. 

Now, he'd decided to share it with everyone on Voyager. The crew needed a place to let down their guard and hopefully work towards getting to know each other. Not just Starfleet and Maquis, but among the fleeters themselves. 

Tom had discovered that most of them hadn't laid eyes on each other before their assignment to Voyager. While there was mutual respect for their Starfleet education and experiences, there was little sense of camaraderie or teamwork. Tom knew those things would come in time, but he wanted to do something that would promote a smoother working environment... not just for the sake of Voyager's crew, but for a more personal reason. He wanted to make Chakotay's life easier.  
From the looks on the faces of those he could see, Tom believed he had a hit on his hands. The best part was he saw Dalby and Carey talking about the place, both men seemed in awe of the bar. 

"Hey, Paris!" Dalby called out. "Nice place you got here!" 

"Glad you like it, Dalby," Tom shouted back. 

"Paris? This really a place back on Earth?" Carey asked.

"Sure is, in France," he replied. 

"And you've been there?" This time the question was from Durst.

"Yes, I have. Met some real nice people there too," Tom answered with a smile.

"I've been to the real Sandrine's, myself," Chakotay said, walking up beside Tom. "Good job, Tom," he said quietly. "It's exactly how I remember it."

"Thanks, Chief. I have a confession to make. It was supposed to be a birthday gift for you, but I thought you wouldn't mind sharing it with everyone. A way to kind of ease the tension."

"Good plan. No I don't mind at all. And thank you, it's a wonderful gift." 

Just then, Tom's eyes widened, Harry had walked in with Captain Janeway, and one of the holocharacters was putting the moves on her.  
Tom rushed over to stop Philipe 'the gigolo' from pushing the captain too hard. He didn't want her to end the fun before it began. He was surprised to see her laugh and brush off the advances like a pro. 

"You like to live dangerously don't you?" Chakotay whispered in his ear. 

Tom shivered when he felt the warm breath of his friend against his neck. A slight hint of arousal nudged at him, but he squashed it. There was no way he'd ruin one of the best friendships he'd had by getting all hot and bothered over Chakotay.

"Can't help it. You know I go to extremes at times," Tom grinned. "I actually forgot he was in the program," he confessed. Turning to the captain. "I'm sorry, Captain. I'll delete him."

"No need, Lieutenant," she laughed. "So, which way to the pool table, Mr. Paris?"

"You play, Captain?" Tom asked, somewhat surprised.

"Oh, I've been know to pick up a cue every now and then."

"This way. Have you ever wagered on a game?" Tom inquired, feeling a bit precarious.

"Why yes I have. Would you like to place a bet on who will win?" She smiled mischievously. 

"Sure, Captain. Just don't be too rough on me, all right?" Tom teased.

"Oh, I can't promise anything of the sort," she laughed.

The entire crew present gathered around the pool table to watch the captain and lieutenant play. Tom knew that there were bets going on behind them, both Maquis and Starfleet crewmembers getting into the spirit of the game. Mentally congratulating himself, he proceeded to allow Captain Janeway to beat the pants off of him.  
He admitted to himself that she was good, but Tom was better. Chakotay knew it too, but said nothing. 

When the captain finally left, bidding everyone a good night and thanking Tom for a good game, Chakotay dragged Tom to a corner.

"Tom, I can't believe you did that with Captain Janeway! Are you completely nuts?" He chuckled.

Tom shrugged. "Call me a joker. Call me a fool. Right now, I'm totally cool in the eyes of every member of the crew," he winked. 

Chakotay couldn't help but laugh out loud. "You know, I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate your friendship, Tom. You keep me on my toes, and help me see things differently. Thank you."

"Oh hell, Chief. Don't go getting all mushy on me now!" Tom laughed, then his expression turned serious. "You're welcome. And you know the feeling is mutual, right?"

"I know, Tom, and you're welcome too." Chakotay answered then gave his friend's arm a slight squeeze. 

Once again, Tom felt a jolt of desire spark through him. It scared him, and he needed to think. 

Tom noticed that the holodeck was empty except for the holocharacters, Chakotay and himself. 

"Well, I think it's time to call it a night," Tom spoke softly, hoping his voice didn’t squeak. 

"Yes it is," Chakotay said, a bit puzzled by Tom's suddenly odd behavior. If he didn't know any better, he'd say the blond wanted to get away from him quickly. "I'll walk out with you."

"Umm, okay." Tom was getting nervous. He didn't want to do anything stupid, but he also didn't want the older man to think there was something wrong. 

They walked out together, Tom ending the program when they got to the arch. As the made their way through the corridors neither spoke. Tom, because his mind was racing trying to filter the feelings he suddenly had for his friend. 

Chakotay was trying to figure out what upset Tom so much. His mind filled with past experiences, where people who called him 'friend' turned their back on him when things got too tough. Could that be happening between Tom and himself? He hoped not, losing the younger man's friendship now would be devastating.  
The ride on the lift was equally quiet, but Chakotay was determined not to allow Tom to walk away without being reassured that everything was still fine between them. Even with what Tom had said on the holodeck, he couldn't help but feel that he may have pushed it.

The lift stopped at Tom's deck, and as he started to get off Chakotay stopped.

"Is everything all right, Tom? You seem distracted." Chakotay asked.

Yeah, Chief, I'm fine. I'm just tired, really." He didn't like to lie but he couldn't honestly say what was bothering him just yet.

"All right. You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Of course, Chakotay. You're my best friend. Don't worry, it's just I think everything caught up with me because I actually relaxed tonight."

"Okay. Good night, then. Get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning," Chakotay smiled. He felt a bit better. Tom was right; he was feeling a bit wearier then he'd realized.

"Sure thing, Chief. Sleep well." Tom stepped out of the lift and the doors closed. 

Chakotay settled back against the wall of the lift, as it started its ascent to his deck. He'd had a good time tonight, for the first time in a long while. Actually, he realized the last time he'd laughed so much was just before Tom went on the mission for the Maquis that had landed him in prison. They'd decided to hit one of the smaller planets bordering the Badlands and have a couple of drinks, knowing that it would probably be the last time they'd be able to do so for a while.  
Continuing his trip down memory lane, Chakotay exited the lift and headed for his quarters. He remembered how Tom had made sure he didn't feel guilty about what was going to happen. Tom had volunteered; something of which he reminded Chakotay several times over the course of the evening. The impending mission was all but forgotten as they talked about everything, including relationships gone badly. 

Chakotay felt comfortable talking to Tom about the one relationship that hurt him the most. It was while he'd still been in Starfleet, although the person he was involved wasn't. Chakotay had been so sure that they would be together forever. That's what he was led to believe, until the night he got the communiqué telling him his father had been killed. Devastated, Chakotay went to his lover's apartment, only discover that he'd walked in on a tryst between his lover and another person. Shaken beyond reason, Chakotay went back to his quarters at Starfleet. He'd packed his bags and left, without a word as to why or where he'd gone. 

Chakotay sat heavily on his bed, jarring him into the present. Everything became clear in that instant. He knew why it bothered him so much when Tom had seemingly pulled away from him earlier. His feelings for his friend were deeper than he'd realized. He suddenly understood why only Tom could make him smile when he was having a bad day. The blond was able to pull him from the brink of self-pity; no one else could ever do that. No matter what mood he was in, as soon as Tom showed up, Chakotay felt better. 

This was *not* good. Tom was his friend, there could never be anything more. Chakotay had promised himself a long time ago, he'd never go down that road again. He'd sworn he'd steer clear of intimate relationships. How was he going to remain friends with the blond if he felt this way about him?  
Chakotay fell asleep burdened with a dilemma he wasn't sure he could fix. 

End… To be continued in "The Stranger."


	5. The Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well we all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and Show ourselves when everyone has gone. Some are satin some are steel, some are silk and some are leather. They're the faces of the stranger, but we love to try them on." – The Stranger – Billy Joel

Commander Chakotay sat in his chair on the bridge, looking like the perfect first officer. No one could tell the war waging on inside him. A month ago he found himself contemplating his relationship with and feelings for one Lieutenant Thomas Paris. He was still reflecting and no closer to a decision then he had been thirty days ago.

He *knew* he felt something more than friendship, but he refused to label the emotions. So, now he kept his thoughts close to his chest, and his friendship at arms length. Fortunately, there had been little time to socialize; the almost daily weirdness of the Delta Quadrant was keeping the crew of Voyager far too busy to do more than fall into a restless sleep every night. 

As the first officer, Chakotay's job was fast becoming the center of his universe. Between working long hours on the bridge, helping to combat that day's anomaly and fielding interpersonal relationship problems with the crew, there were days that he barely recalled falling into bed. Yet always, at the back of his mind, Tom Paris stood firm, waiting for his turn. 

Chakotay was aware that his friend noticed the subtle change in their 'friends' status, but Tom made no move to try and correct it. Chakotay had watched as the other man let his own mask slip into place. While acknowledging that Tom only did that when he was on the defensive, it still bothered the hell out of Chakotay. He hated the smart-ass flyboy attitude. Tom knew it too. Which made him wonder: Did Tom do that just so Chakotay would call him on it?

Unless it became a problem while on duty, Chakotay had decided he wouldn't. Being near Tom on the bridge was enough to send his tattered mind places he didn't want to venture. Schooling his features to project the calm, rational persona Chakotay displayed on duty, he turned to Captain Janeway. 

"Captain," he called her attention to him quietly. "After the lunch break, I'll spend the rest of my shift in my office, if it's all right with you? There's a pile of reports that require my thumbprint."

"Of course, Commander," she smiled. "The more of those you sign off on, the fewer I have to."

"Then, perhaps you should go to the messhall now," he suggested.

"Sounds like a good idea," she stood. "You have the bridge, Commander Chakotay."

"Yes, Captain. See you in an hour."

The rest of his time on the bridge was uneventful. Chakotay was quite pleased with himself. Not once did his mind wander off to places it shouldn't while on duty. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

That afternoon, once he was hidden away in his office, Chakotay let his guard down. He sat heavily in his chair and sighed. He wasn't sure how much longer he could pretend that his feelings for Tom hadn't grown beyond that of friendship. It made him uncomfortable just thinking about it. 

Actually, Chakotay couldn't help but think his father was right. He was contrary. He'd made a vow to himself years ago, only now that sentiment was being challenged by his own mind. Was he wrong in deciding that an intimate relationship with someone was *not* where he wanted to go? 

He was willing to admit he missed having someone to settle in with for a quiet evening. He did, at times, long for the closeness that comes from that kind of relationship. The luxury to say or do anything without worry that the other person wouldn't understand or object. He wanted the comfort of having a partner who would know he was just blowing off steam. He sometimes desired to sit back in the embrace of someone that cared for him and not have to speak at all; just absorb warmth and affection and pass those same feelings back.

 

Chakotay had long since perfected the act of appearing as though things that were happening around him didn't affect him. Going to the Academy at the age of fifteen, being from a 'backwater' planet, he wasn't well versed in the ways of the universe. As such, he often found himself in situations that were less than comfortable for him. He learned quickly that showing vulnerability during his academy days meant ridicule from many. 

He didn't like having to shield himself from people, especially a friend. But he couldn't see any other way. Tom mustn't find out Chakotay's feelings had changed for him. It could be a disaster. Chakotay would rather go on pretending, then to lose Tom's friendship.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tom couldn't help but breath a sigh of relief when he heard the lift doors close, thus putting a good bit of distance between him and Chakotay. The tension on the bridge was getting to him, and he couldn't fly like that. Although he wasn't sure *why* things were so strained in his friendship with Chakotay at the moment. No, that wasn't completely true. He *knew* he had slipped on his smart-ass mask even around his friend these days. Something that pissed the other man off totally, and Tom was very much aware of that fact. 

He knew it was his own defense mechanism kicking in. Tom never liked having his feelings broadcast to the world, and he knew that they all showed far too easily on his face. So, he learned to hide behind a few masks; mostly the arrogant, self-assured, prick one. Not even around Harry did he dropped the attitude, though so far, his new friend hadn't said anything. 

That could be because Harry Kim didn’t know who was the 'real' Tom Paris and who wasn't. However, Chakotay did, and Tom had no illusions as to what Chakotay thought about when any of the fake personas showed up. 

Tom remembered when he first joined Chakotay's cell. He had spent some time slumming it in Marseilles, trying to put distance between himself and the bad reputation he suddenly found haunting him. Tom had to wait until Chakotay could sneak back to Earth to pick him up. He believed that even though his father had disowned him, he was being watched. 

They both had decided it would be best if Tom didn't jump on the first transport to the DMZ, after being cashiered out of Starfleet. Admiral Paris might toss his son out with the trash, but he'd still want to make sure Tom wasn't doing anything to dishonor up the Paris name any further. 

By the time Chakotay got to him, Tom had had more than enough time to work on his 'I don't give a flying fuck' attitude. And to say that Chakotay wasn't pleased with the performance was putting it mildly. Tom didn't drop the persona when his friend walked in the bar, and found out just how strong Chakotay was.

=====Flashback=====

"Hi, Tom," Chakotay smiled when he saw his friend.

"Well, if it isn't the grand Chief, himself," Tom sneered.

"Excuse me?" Chakotay growled.

"No need to excuse yourself, big guy. I was just acknowledging the wondrous Chakotay, is all."

Chakotay grabbed Tom by the arm and hauled him to a corner. 

"What the fuck is your problem, Paris? I didn't risk my ass or my crew coming to Earth to find a prick."

Tom stiffened, then realized what he'd done. 

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I've been playing the part for so long, I just…."

"Well, get the fuck over it or I'll leave your sorry ass here," Chakotay snarled.

"Just get me out of here, please," Tom begged. "I won't last much longer, Chakotay. I can feel myself dying a little more everyday."

"Fine, but lose the attitude, or I'll help you. With a beating."

==== End Flashback ====

Tom dragged himself back from that bad memory. He knew he was showing his ass again, and wasn't at all surprised that Chakotay had been avoiding him. The first officer couldn't go around kicking the crap out of fellow officers. 

The end of his shift came and after handing the conn over to his replacement, Tom got on the lift, ready to just hide out in his quarters for the night. He knew he had to talk to Chakotay, but wasn't sure how to approach his friend or what to say to explain his behavior. Not without betraying his feelings.

 

Harry joined him in the lift. "Tom, what in hell is going on? Commander Chakotay was so tense today, I thought his neck was going to snap from being so rigid."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Harry. Remember I sit in front of him, not behind," Tom smirked.

"Come on, you can't tell me you couldn't feel the tension. You're his friend, what's going on with him?"

"Harry, just because we're friends, doesn't mean we live inside each others pockets. Maybe he was just having a bad day."

"No, I don't think so. It's more than that. He's becoming more… I don't know… closed off everyday. Even some of the Maquis have noticed." 

Tom shrugged, but said nothing. The rest of the trip passed in silence. When the lift stopped, Tom got off first. 

"See ya tomorrow, Harry."

"You're not going to the messhall for dinner?"

"Nah. I don't feel like socializing with the masses tonight. Bye," Tom said, as he went to his cabin. 

Once inside, Tom leaned against the bulkhead and sighed. "Shit! What am I going to do?" 

He pushed himself away from the wall and went into his bathroom, looking at himself, as if to see if his well-worn mask was still there. When he saw that it was, he let it go. The face now staring back at him was one he knew quite well. It was Tom Paris, friend of Chakotay, but with an added feature. That of love and concern for his friend. 

"Okay, Tom," he spoke to his reflection. "Time to shit or get off the pot, as your grandfather Denny use to say. Work through the feelings, deal with them, then tell the guy you're in love with him." 

He nodded at the face in the mirror, as if it was actually another person. Tom threw some water on his face, then went to the sleeping area and changed into something more comfortable. As much as he hated analyzing his feelings, he had to, and the only way to do that was to sit and center himself. 

The clothes he chose were the ones he always feels most at ease in. They were needed for the next part of his 'journey'. Tom settled himself in the middle of his bed, closed his eyes and blocked out everything around him. Slowly he drifted to the middle of his being and he relaxed. 

An hour later, he came back to his surroundings more focused than he'd been in a long time. Tom knew what had to be done and how to achieve it. 

Satisfied with himself for having worked out the problem, Tom replicated a light meal and spent the rest of the evening watching a video. 

 

The End To be continued in "An Innocent Man."


	6. An Innocent Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some people say they will never believe, another promise they hear in the dark. Because they only remember too well, they heard somebody tell them before" An Innocent Man – Billy Joel

Lieutenant Tom Paris sat at the helm, contemplating the man seated directly behind him. Ever since that night in Sandrine's three months ago, when he first felt desire for Chakotay, Tom had a difficult time *not* thinking about him. Even though Chakotay seemed to have pulled back a bit, begging off on invitations to play pool or just to hang out. Not all the time, mind you, but just enough to cause Tom the slightest bit of alarm.

Maybe his smart-ass mask had put Chakotay off of their friendship more than Tom realized. He wasn't certain, but after having gone through his own soul searching, Tom knew that it was time to call Chakotay on his withdrawal.

During Tom's walk through the minefield known as his emotions, he recounted every moment spent with Chakotay since they'd met. He realized that the past three years had been leading up to that evening. Slowly, over the course of their friendship and service together, Chakotay had insinuated himself into Tom's mind, heart and soul. Tom knew that it hadn't been intentional, it had just happened, and he had allowed it. 

Now, he was in love with his best friend. Tom knew he was going to have problems proving to Chakotay that it wasn't a joke or a game or just a passing fancy. Tom was all too aware of the other man's history, hell they'd spent their last night in the Badlands together talking about the bad relationships they'd each been in. He was conscious of the fact that Chakotay had been hurt beyond reason by the last person with whom he'd been involved. 

For the millionth time in recent months Tom wished they were in the Alpha Quadrant, so he could kick some serious ass all the way to the Delta. Chakotay's pain had been palpable, when he'd spoke of it in that little bar. Tom had the feeling his friend *still* felt the sting of betrayal now.

Resolved to the fact that he'd show Chakotay that not every relationship could or would go south, Tom decided to *make* the other man sit down and talk to him. Hell, Tom was innocent; he'd never hurt Chakotay, ever. He'd just have to convince Chakotay that was the truth. At the end of the shift, Tom turned the conn over to Pablo and ran to the lift so he could ride with the first officer.

"Chakotay, I know you've been busy the past couple of weeks, but I really need to speak with you. Would you consider having dinner with me in my quarters, my treat?" 

Chakotay wanted to say no. He was still wary of his feelings for Tom but one look at the desperation in his friend's eyes and he knew he couldn't. "Sure, Tom. There's nothing pressing I have to get done tonight. What time?"

"Yeah? Cool, say in an hour?"

"Okay, I'll see you then," Chakotay responded. He got off the lift on his deck, silently praying he wasn't making a mistake. Over the past few months, Chakotay had examined and reexamined his feelings, and concluded that he was falling in love with his best friend, if he hadn't already. He'd have to curb that feeling, because there was no way Chakotay would become involved with Tom, or anyone else for that matter. He was done with intimate relationships, something he decided the day he left Starfleet and his old life. 

When Tom arrived at his quarters, he spent some time straightening up. As he did, he thought about what to have for dinner, and how he would approach the subject he needed to discuss with Chakotay. Never once in their friendship had Tom lied or held anything back from the other man and he decided he wouldn't start now.  
It was just a matter of *how* to say what needed to be said, to ensure that he didn't scare the hell out of Chakotay. Tom was sure Chakotay would be leery of this sudden proclamation, hell, he was surprised himself. But the fact remained that he was in love with Chakotay and wanted their relationship to move forward, if possible. 

Tom wouldn't delude himself by thinking that his advances would be met with a positive response, but he had to try. He chuckled. Never let it be said that Tom Paris did things in half measure. He formulated a strategy in his mind, mapping out the conversation, his part anyway, and hoped that Chakotay would react favorably.  
He placed his order in the replicator, so he just had to call it up once they were ready to eat, and went to change out of his uniform. Tom was careful in choosing his outfit for the evening. He needed something serious but not too much so. Clothing that would set the tone for the discussion. One thing he'd learned hard and fast in the Paris household, first impressions were everything. To appear genuine in any meeting, you had to dress appropriately. 

Choosing a blue tunic and black pants, Tom dressed quickly, having noticed the time. Chakotay would arrive momentarily and there was no way he'd keep the other man waiting. Just as he slipped on his shoes the door chime rang.

"Come," he called out as he reentered the living area. 

Chakotay stepped in and Tom had to smile. Seemed he wasn't the only one who was taught the rule 'dress to impress'. His friend's outfit proved that, burgundy shirt and tan pants. He looked good enough to eat, in Tom's eyes, but the clothing screamed 'no touching'. 

"Hey," Tom grinned.

"Hi," Chakotay smiled back. 

"Come on in, have a seat. Dinner's already ordered. Would you like something to drink? Tea, a glass of wine, or a beer?" Tom asked, going over to the replicator.

"Tea would be good, thanks." Chakotay sat at the small table Tom used for meals. "So, what's up?" 

"Up? Oh, we'll talk after dinner." Tom looked at his friend. "No sense in upsetting our stomachs before we eat," Tom chuckled, hoping to keep the mood light for now.

"Is there something wrong, Tom? You know you can tell me anything," Chakotay replied, worry coloring his tone.

"Wrong? Nah, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to discuss a few things with you, but I'd prefer to wait until after we eat, okay?" Tom shrugged.

"Oh, okay. I don't mind waiting. I just thought that maybe you were upset about something. You seemed to be this afternoon."

"I just miss my friend, Chief, that's all. We've been busy, you even more so," Tom explained. 

"Yeah, I know I've been so caught up in reports these days, I find them chasing me in my dreams," Chakotay laughed. "If anyone would've told me nine months ago that I'd be running from Starfleet reports instead of Cardassians, I would've said they needed psychiatric care. Now, I'd give anything for a day of just hiding out in the Badlands."

"The reports are that bad, huh?"

"Not really bad, just far too many for any one person to deal with in an eight hour shift. Which the minute I have one of those I'll let you know."

"You know, Chakotay, you always did take your duties very seriously. It's not surprising you're running on empty right about now." Tom turned back to the replicator. "Which is why, tonight, a friend who has only your best interests at heart will pamper you." 

Tom placed two bowls on the table. "Mushroom soup to start, sir," he joked, then sat across from Chakotay. "To be followed by stir-fried vegetables with rice. To conclude the meal, we'll be having strawberry cheesecake. All compliments of the restaurant 'Voyager a la replicator'." 

"Wow! Tom, you didn't have to go through the trouble or the rations. Although I do appreciate it. Soup and bread would've worked just as well. I feel relaxed already," Chakotay said.  
It was the truth, whenever he was around Tom he felt far more at ease than at any other time. That was another thing that had concerned him over the past few months, but Chakotay chose to ignore that worry for the time being.

"Chief, it's no trouble, and as for the rations. Well, let's just say that Sandrine's pool table has been seeing some of my best shots lately," Tom smirked.

Chakotay laughed and then dug into his soup. Tom followed his lead, and the next bit of time was spent eating and talking about happenings on the ship. Most prominent for both of them was the almost constant threat in the form of the Kazon, although spacial anomalies and other oddities of the quadrant were also things discussed. 

"Ready for dessert?" Tom asked as he cleared away the plates from their main course.

"Not right now, I'm full. That was really good, Tom, thank you," Chakotay answered patting his stomach to emphasize the fact that there was no room left. 

"You're welcome, Chief. Glad you enjoyed it. What about another cup of tea?"

"No, thanks. A glass of water would be good though." 

"Coming right up," Tom ordered the drink and one for himself, also. "Why don't you get comfortable?" He motioned to the couch.

Chakotay nodded, went over and sat. Tom handed him his drink, which he took a large sip from. He then waved his free hand, indicating that he wanted to Tom to sit down too.

"So, what's on your mind?" 

"Well, some of it we discussed over dinner. I've been concerned that you've been working far too hard without a break. You've got to slow down, old man."

"Old! I'm not old, merely on the down side of my peak," Chakotay chuckled.

"Yeah," Tom joined his friend's laughter. "Well, still. No one can keep going the way you've been without heading straight to burnout. You're the first officer, delegate."

"Are you volunteering to read waste management reports?"

"Me? Hell no!" Tom gasped in mock horror. "Get some crewman to help you out. I'm volunteering to make sure you don't push yourself too hard."

"I see!" Chakotay laughed. "You want to be my personal morale officer?"

"Exactly!"

"Well then. As my morale officer, what do you suggest I do to keep from burning out, as you called it?"

"I think twice a week you should have dinner with your best friend, followed by at least one of those nights playing pool and the other enjoying a movie with him and light conversation. For starters, that is."

"So, tonight was the first of many nights, I suppose."

"Well, yes. Although we seemed to have skipped the movie part, but we can remedy that if you like. I have a couple of video chips, we can turn the lights down, sit back, relax and lose ourselves in the world of make believe."

Chakotay stiffened a bit. The idea of being in a seemingly romantic setting with Tom wasn't something he wanted to do right now. 

"I should probably go," he said sheepishly. "I have an early meeting with the captain."

"Chakotay? Don't. Please stay, it's still early," Tom pleaded. He noticed his friend's uneasiness and had to alleviate it. "We don't have to watch a movie, just stay and talk to me."

Chakotay realized he was presuming a lot. There was no way the other man could possibly be setting up some kind of seduction. 

"No, pick a movie. You're right, it's still a bit early. No need to end a good night just yet."

"Good. I have the perfect one already chosen," Tom said as he went to his console. He slipped a rod in, pressed play, then joined Chakotay on the couch, calling for forty- percent lights as he did.

The video started and Chakotay laughed out loud. "When Harry met Sally, I can't believe you still have this. I would've thought that the rod was worn out by now."

"Hey, I can't help it if I find this hilarious," Tom chuckled. "The diner scene is still my favorite." They both laughed and settled in to watch the video.

As they watched, both men repeated some of the lines in the movie, both had seen it so often. At one point, Chakotay couldn't help but compare the two main characters to Tom and himself. Their friendship had seen so many ups and downs, just like Harry and Sally. 

When the movie was over, Tom started to clean up. "You know, Chief, sometimes I have to wonder if we don't reflect those two."

I was thinking the same thing, myself," Chakotay admitted.

Tom got real quiet for a moment, then looked his friend in the eye. "Do you think there's a chance we'd end up like them at the end? Together, I mean?"

Chakotay automatically stiffened. "Tom, we're friends. And you know how I feel about getting involved with anyone, again."

"Yeah, I do and honestly I think it sucks," Tom growled.

"What?" Chakotay was shocked.

"Look, I know you're protecting yourself," Tom stood directly in front of his friend. "I know you think that everyone is just like Duncan, he hurt you bad. I happen to think you've got a lot of love to give Chakotay. And I'm not above doing whatever it takes to restore your faith in yourself and love, if I can. I'm not Duncan, I didn't break your heart. I'm innocent here. And I love you. Give me a chance," Tom pleaded.  
"I… I have to go," Chakotay whispered and left Tom's quarters quickly.

"Damn it!" Tom yelled as the door slid shut, punctuating Chakotay's exit. Knowing Chakotay as he did, Tom fully expected his friend to retreat behind rank and position, which would leave Tom out in the cold. 

The End…to be continued in "And So it Goes"


	7. A Matter of Trust

Chakotay stood in front of Tom's cabin door, steeling himself for the conversation he was about to have with the younger man. He took a deep breath and counted {One, Two, Three, Four}, then hit the door chime. It only took a few seconds before he heard the call to come in, and the doors slid open. Chakotay saw Tom sitting on his couch, with a padd in his hand. 

"May I come in?" He asked.

"Of course, Chakotay," Tom answered, as he jumped to his feet.

Chakotay walked in, somewhat hesitantly, and went to the viewport. He stood there for a moment, just staring out into the vast space the ship was flying through.  
Tom watched, getting more nervous as the seconds slipped by. Since the other evening, he hadn't seen Chakotay except for duty, nor had they talked. He was half-afraid the other man was here to tell him their friendship was done. Finally he couldn't take the silence anymore.

"Chief?" His voice was laced with the fear he couldn't hide.

"When I walked out of Sandrine's that first time," Chakotay spoke quietly. "I knew that I had left behind someone who'd be very special to me for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure why, but I just felt it deep in my soul. Over time, that feeling was proven to be correct. I sent you on a mission that we *knew* would land you in jail, and no matter how many times you told me I shouldn't feel guilty, I did. When I found out where you were going to serve out your time, I made sure that you were protected. I believed the Maquis as a whole owed you that, for myself, more so." 

"Then I found you on the bridge of Voyager and I wanted to wring your neck for leaving that safety. I was so angry with you for being… you. But then I realized that because of who you are, I shouldn't have expected anything less. That night you gave the crew Sandrine's to blow off steam, I couldn't help but remember how I felt the first time we met. I've spent the last three months examining those emotions. 

"I'm split into four parts at this moment. My body is screaming for the closeness that you offered four nights ago. To be held, to wrap my arms around someone and soak in their warmth, the pleasure of being that intimate with another person. 

"My mind, my conscience is yelling to run just as fast as I can from the offer. Not for my own self-preservation but yours. You're my friend, the dearest one I've had in all my life. You know things about me that *no one* has ever heard, that includes Duncan and my family. I gave that to you before you left to bait Starfleet. My conscience tells me that if we become intimate that could be lost if things don't work out. I refuse to lose my friend.

"My heart is crying. It still bleeds every now and then. Yet it wants to heal completely and be allowed out from the room I shut it in the day I left Starfleet and Earth. I did open the door to that room when I left here the other night. What I found startled me. My heart seemed to know before my mind did that you were the one who helped it recover, a long time ago.

"My soul needs to be free to love again, and it believes that you're the only one to help it along. But I'm not sure I can give you what you need, what you desire. I don't know if my soul will ever truly be as free as it was when I met Duncan. There's far more weighing it down now than there was then." 

Chakotay took a deep breath. He'd gotten it all out in the open, without breaking down. He really shouldn't be surprised, Tom was always able to do that to him.  
Tom had stood behind Chakotay the entire time, listening to him pour everything out. He knew what it cost Chakotay to say what he did. Tom put his hand on Chakotay's shoulder and with a gentle voice, he spoke his own feelings.

"I've lived long enough to have learned that the closer you stand to the fire, the more you get burned. I'm sure you're aware that we've all had our share of believing too long, when the whole damn thing was wrong, when the lie is within the mind. Make believe, until one day you wake up and see it for what it is, a lie.

"I know you have doubts, but for god's sakes don't shut me out. You have nothing to lose this time, you can take it, you can leave, whatever you choose. I won't hold back anything, Chakotay. It all has to do with trust. I won't pressure you, I won't tell you, that you have to give me everything all at once. I'm not going anywhere, I won't go away. 

"It all comes down to a matter of trust," Tom said again, praying that Chakotay would believe and accept him. "Do you trust me enough to try? Do you trust *yourself* enough to work with me to make sure this isn't a lie on any level?"

Chakotay turned and met Tom's eyes. "You're the only one I'd ever trust with my body, mind, heart and soul." Chakotay leaned forward, raised a palm to Tom's face, cupped it, and kissed him lightly on his mouth.

Tom wrapped his arms around Chakotay, accepted the kiss and gave one of his own back. He laid his forehead on the other man's and smiled when Chakotay put his hands on Tom's hips.

"Thank you," Tom whispered. "I promise that I'll do everything in my power to make sure you never truly regret it. I can't promise I won't piss you off, or that I won't want to knock you up side the head for something at some point. But as long as we *both* remember to talk over whatever is going on, things should be easier."

Chakotay smiled; "As long as you remember that I'm the superior… officer, we shouldn't have a problem." He kissed Tom to lessen the bite of his words. 

"As long as it's only on duty that you believe you're superior, we shouldn't have a problem," Tom chuckled. Chakotay answered it with his own. 

"So, do you want to sit down now? Or should we just stand here grinning like idiots for a while?" Tom asked.

"You can stand like an idiot, but I prefer to sit now. That speech took a lot out of me."

Tom took Chakotay's hand and walked over to the couch. He sat and pulled Chakotay down to sit beside him.

"I meant it when I said we can go as fast or as slow as you want, Chakotay. I'm not going anyway, even if we weren't stuck out here in space's version of hell."

"I know, Tom. I do trust you. How about we just go with the flow? See how things progress on their own?"

"Works for me. Although at this moment, the only thing I want to do is drag you off to my bed, curl up around you and sleep. It's been an emotional roller coaster for both of us, I believe."

Chakotay nodded, agreeing with the ride they'd been on lately. Not just because of what was going on between the two of them, but outside forces. 

"Let's just sit here for a while," Chakotay sighed. He wrapped his arms around Tom and pulled him close. 

Tom didn't hesitate; he snuggled up to Chakotay and gave his own sigh. It felt good to be blanketed in the warmth the other man offered. 

The End… To be continued in "To Make You Feel My Love"


	8. To Make You Feel My Love

Chakotay and Tom were in Sandrine's, as was their habit over the past month and a half. Tom playing pool and charming the masses, while Chakotay watched from what had become their table. Ironically, it was the same table where they had forged their friendship all those years ago at the real Sandrine's.

Since the night in Tom's quarters six weeks ago, the entire crew had gotten use to the two men being with each other whenever they were off duty. The Maquis didn't find it strange at all, while at first, the Starfleet crew did. Most of them weren't aware of the friendship the two had before being thrown into the Delta Quadrant.  
The rumors that were flying around went from hilarious to downright ridiculous. Chakotay's favorite was the rumor that Paris had been the one who talked Janeway into looking for Chakotay, because Tom was pregnant with his baby. Chakotay had been unsuccessful in his attempts to find the person who started *that* particular bit of insanity. Though it could be due in part to his inability to keep a straight face whenever he asked around. 

Tom did make his own effort to stop that one, pointing out that he *was* in Auckland for 12 months *before* Voyager set out. But that hadn't helped. He'd also wondered out loud why was it him who was the pregnant one? Chakotay was just as capable of being pregnant, maybe Tom wanted to go and find the 'mother' of his child.

What really made Chakotay laugh was that they hadn't been intimate at all in the past month and a half. Not that he didn't want to, it was just that Tom meant it when he said they'd go slow. Chakotay snorted to himself. There was slow and then there was a snail pace, which is what they were moving at. 

Aside from kissing and cuddling, Tom refused to allow anything else to happen. Explaining that he was in no rush to 'consummate' the relationship and Chakotay had nothing to prove to him. Well, he might not have anything to prove, but Chakotay was tired of waiting. So, as he sat and watched Tom work the room as only Tom could, Chakotay decided that tonight, when they left, he'd tell Tom no more stalling. 

Decision made, Chakotay sat back and sipped on his beer, with a smirk on his face. B'Elanna came in and joined him at that moment.

"Hi, Chakotay. Want some company while Tom's playing?" She asked taking a seat next to him.

"Hello, B'Elanna. Make yourself comfortable."

"What were you smirking about when I came over?"

"Nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Bullshit! What are you up to?"

"I'm not up to anything," he laughed. "I was, however, just thinking about some of the rumors the crew has come up with about Tom and me."

B'Elanna laughed. "Some of them are quite inventive, I'd say. I especially like: Commander Chakotay is just filling an obligation to Lieutenant Paris, because Paris saved his life on Ocampa.' As if…" she snorted.

"Well, I suppose they all need to come up with a reason, other then the obvious. That Tom is a truly wonderful person and I am very fortunate that he wants to share his life with me."

"That's too easy, Chakotay. You know that," B'Elanna answered seriously.

Tom and Harry came over and sat down.

"So, Chief, ready to call it a night?" Tom asked, as he took a drink from his glass.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am," Chakotay smiled. He stood, took Tom's hand and bid B'Elanna and Harry good night.

Tom waved to them as he was led from the holodeck. Outside the doors Tom pulled Chakotay to a stop. "What's the rush, Chakotay?" Tom chuckled.

Chakotay pulled Tom close slid an arm around his waist and whispered, "I want to go back to your quarters and make love to you." 

Tom shivered at the words. "Okay," he rasped, shocked by Chakotay's declaration.

The trip to Tom's quarters was made quickly, Tom almost running the whole way. Chakotay laughed as he followed. 

Once they were inside the cabin, Tom turned to Chakotay, wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. When he broke away, he looked into Chakotay's eyes.

"Are you sure?" He asked quietly.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life," Chakotay responded.

This time he kissed Tom, to show just how certain he was about this decision.

When the kiss ended, breathlessly, Tom took Chakotay's hand and led him into the bedroom. He then began to undress slowly, his eyes never leaving Chakotay's. He watched the older man's pupils dilate with desire as he removed each piece of clothing. Chakotay stood absolutely still, mesmerized by the blond revealing himself. He noticed a faint scar on Tom's right shoulder and the urge to kiss away the long ago hurt was almost overwhelming. 

Stepping away from the puddle of clothes, Tom turned around. The stunning beauty of the man before him made Chakotay's knees go weak. Reaching out with a shaky hand, he ran a finger down Tom's spine. 

"Beautiful," Chakotay whispered as he lowered himself to his knees. Taking hold of the slender hips with both hands, he leaned in and ran his tongue along the top of Tom's tailbone, slowing rising to his feet again, he licked and kissed the skin before him, to the middle of his shoulder blades. Tom whimpered at feeling Chakotay's warm wet tongue on his spine. When Chakotay began to trace along the top of the shoulder and across the back of his neck, Tom began to tremble. 

Stopping at the faint scar, Chakotay gave into his earlier urge and kissed the scar, then ran his tongue along the slight indentation. Chakotay then slowly moved around to the front of the sleek body, never losing contact with the creamy skin, and began to lick his way across a collar bone to the *V* in Tom's neck. He placed light kisses there, and moved one to the other shoulder. 

The sensual assault on Tom's body had him shaking. No longer able to hold himself upright, he reached out and held on to Chakotay's shoulders. Chakotay looked up into his lover's eyes, and was rocked to his core. The desire he saw there was almost too much to bear.

"Bed," he whispered.

Tom nodded imperceptibly, not certain of what he actually heard, but at this point he would have agreed to anything the other man said.

"Lie down and let me show you just how much you mean to me," Chakotay's voice came out in a husky whisper.

Wordlessly, Tom did as he was asked, lying down and moving to the center of the bed. He watched through half closed eyes, as his lover undressed himself. When Chakotay was naked, Tom watched as he climbed onto the end of the bed at Tom's feet.

Once again, he began his slow feasting on the sweet, creamy skin of the younger man. 

Beginning at Tom's left ankle, Chakotay tasted every inch, slowly, methodically, as if he was memorizing the body below him. 

A thin film of sweat had appeared over Tom's body, and he could do nothing but moan and gasp as Chakotay's bathed him. Just when he thought he could take no more, Chakotay proved him wrong. As Chakotay moved across his smooth belly and down his hip, completely ignoring the rock hard, throbbing, weeping cock, Chakotay continued to repeat the torment down his other leg.

When he had finished his descent down Tom's right leg, Chakotay sat up for a moment and took in the spectacular view. Never before he had seen such beauty and arousal. He lay on top of the blond, covering Tom's body completely with his own. 

"You are the most beautiful person I've ever seen," he whispered as he kissed the side of Tom's neck.

"Chak, please... fuck me, now," Tom whimpered.

More than happy to comply, Chakotay rose.

"Do you have lube somewhere?" He whispered. 

The words penetrated the fog that filled Tom's brain "Bathroom."

Chakotay nodded and went to the other room. He returned quickly with a bottle of lube. Getting back on the bed, he opened the bottle and poured a small amount in his cupped hand. 

Leaving the bottle on the nightstand, he warmed the oil in both hands and then smoothed it over Tom's chest, running his fingers over the erect nipples, causing Tom to arch into his hands. Chakotay worked his way down Tom's stomach, and over his hips. Tom opened and raised his legs, exposing himself to his lover. 

Sliding one hand down Tom's groin, while the other continued to gently massage his lower abdomen, Chakotay slid a finger between Tom's cheeks and found the secret entrance. Gently he pushed his finger inside, causing a moan to again escape Tom's lips. Chakotay began moved in and out gently, coaxing the muscles into relaxing. 

Tom was beyond all conscious thought, moaning and begging for more. By the time a third finger found its way inside him, Tom was pleading with Chakotay. He groaned at the sudden loss when Chakotay withdrew his fingers. Mere seconds later, Tom felt the hard tip of Chakotay's erection penetrate him. He gasped at the sensation and pushed his hips down.

In one fluid motion, the two men became instantly connected. Each let out a soft scream of pleasure, and then they began to move. Chakotay thrust in and out in a slow steady pace, Tom matching his movement.

Soon their rhythm increased, and they moved together harder and faster. Tom felt his orgasm approaching quickly, coming from deep within him. He reached up and pulled Chakotay to him and kissed him. That seemed to be all he needed to go over the edge, and he screamed into Chakotay's mouth as his orgasm rushed through him.

The tightening of the walls around Chakotay's cock brought him to orgasm seconds after Tom, and he roared his lover's name as he emptied himself. Breathlessly, Chakotay gathered him in his arms and rolled onto his side.

Tom wrapped his arms around Chakotay weakly and whispered, "I love you, Chakotay."

"I love you, too, Tom," Chakotay said, holding Tom close. "Thank you for making me feel it."

The End...To be Continued in "This is the Time"


	9. This is The Time

Extra note: I recently watched an episode of Voyager where Captain Janeway decided to play "I know best, I am God!" which completely pissed me off, as usual. My dislike for her is clearly evident in this installment. So, if you like Captain Janeway, this is a warning to you, she's portrayed as a bitch here. The Sakaran have been borrowed from Nienna's (Leone) story "The Prince", with her permission. It can be found on her site here: http://gondor.adsl.dk/Nienna/the_prince.htm

 

Thanks again to Polly and Reesie, they keep me straight. 

"Did you know that before you came into my life, it was some kind of miracle that I survived? Some day we will both look back and have to laugh. We lived through a lifetime and the aftermath." This is the Time – Billy Joel

Chakotay leaned against the bulkhead, eyes unfocused and slid down to sit on the floor. His body was torn between an adrenaline high and complete exhaustion. His mind wondered for the hundredth time in the past few hours 'Just who in hell did she piss off this time'?

Pushing his back against the wall, Chakotay stared out at the sea of bodies in various states of injury. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tom walking toward him holding two cups. The blond joined him on the floor and handed Chakotay one of his burdens. 

"You know, Tom, when I said I wanted us to spend more time together; this isn't exactly what I had in mind," Chakotay said, as he took the offered cup.

"This isn't my idea of quality time either, Chief," Tom whispered resting his head on Chakotay's shoulder. He was struggling to stay awake. 

The two of them had spent the last several hours in the makeshift trauma room, tending wounded crewmembers. Sickbay was in a shambles and the EMH offline.   
Communications were barely working, emergency lighting and life support holding their own. 

Incredibly enough, in Chakotay's opinion, there were no fatalities among the crew, or any life-threatening injuries. Although there were plenty of broken bones, lacerations and minor concussions that had needed quick attention. He and Tom had had their hands full as they'd rendered what care they could in the absence of the EMH. Chakotay was very aware that things could have been much, much worse.

The attack had been sudden, in Chakotay's mind. He and Tom had been enjoying a quiet breakfast when the first volley of explosions hit. They had tried to get to the bridge but the turbolifts weren't working, and crawling through jefferies tubes, during the battle, didn't seem like the smart way to go. 

Chakotay was able to contact Captain Janeway and informed her that they were unable to get to the bridge. He assured her that he and Tom were fine and would remain in the messhall, setting up a sickbay there. While displeased that her first officer and chief pilot weren't available; the captain approved of his plan to treat injured crewmembers. 

Now that the fighting had died away, Chakotay looked around at the carnage and couldn't help but growl inwardly at the probable cause of this last attack. Janeway, he had deduced, was one of those captains who never backed down, convinced it was her right to just plow through whatever sector of space she came upon in order to get Voyager closer to the Alpha Quadrant. 

Chakotay and the captain had had many 'discussions' over the past two years about the right and wrong way to approach the aliens of the Delta Quadrant. Most of the time Chakotay ended up backing down, believing it was better to remain on Janeway's 'good side' than spend the rest of his life in the brig.

Not that Janeway was completely unreasonable, but Chakotay found that his presence on the bridge, when first contact was made often determined whether Voyager got into a confrontation or not. Even Tuvok wasn't completely able to convince her that the logical way to deal with all species was to tread lightly.

Chakotay knew before long the captain would be snarling at him about any number of things that went wrong. He could only hope his ass wasn't chewed up too much by the time she was done. He had his work cut out for him, by the looks of the corridor outside the messhall. 

"Chakotay," Tom's voice dragged him out of his musing.

"Yes?"

"Maybe we should try to get to the bridge, or at least engineering. I'm sure they could use the help."

"You're right. Let me just talk to Kes and Neelix, make sure they've got everything under control. We need to see about getting the EMH back online ASAP also." 

Chakotay rose from his place and went to speak to Neelix and Kes. After getting their reassurance that they'd be fine, he and Tom left the messhall and made their way to the bridge. Both were taking in the damage as they went. 

Tom shook his head slightly and sighed. "This is probably real close to insubordinate, but, what the fuck is up with her?"

Chakotay snorted and shrugged. "Sometimes, Tom, it's better just to ignore thoughts like that. You could end up with permanent brain damage. We can only do our best to repair Voyager and hope that someday all of it will be worth it."

"Yeah, I got it, keep the faith," Tom smiled.

"That's about it." 

They climbed through the opening of the jefferies tube closest to their destination, and then manually opened the doors to the bridge, taking in the scene before them. Smoke clouded their vision, sparks flow from various consoles, and debris lay scattered across the deck.

Chakotay walked in purposefully, directly to the captain's chair. Janeway sat staring out the viewport, seemingly unaware of the destruction around her. 

"Captain? Are you all right?"

"Commander? What happened? Where were you?" She looked dazed and confused.

"Lieutenant Paris and I were in the messhall, remember? We were unable to reach the bridge once the fighting started. I suggested we stay where we were and help any crewmember that was injured."

"Injured? People were hurt? How?"

"Tom," Chakotay called to the blond, who was checking out other members of the bridge crew. He gave a slight nod towards the captain, hoping Tom understood that he felt she needed attention immediately. 

Tom came over and discreetly scanned Captain Janeway then shook his head. There was nothing physically wrong with her. 

"Status, Ensign Kim?" Chakotay ordered.

"Primary Weapons Systems are down. Shields at thirty-five percent. Communications are coming back. Engineering has reported no major damage. Life-support at maximum," Harry answered a bit warily. His forehead was bleeding, and one arm appeared to be hovering close to his ribs.

"Are you all right, Ensign?" Chakotay asked. 

"I'll be fine, sir. Just got tossed sideways into the console behind me," Harry answered.

Chakotay turned to Tuvok, checking for any visible injuries. Seeing none he turned his attention back to Captain Janeway.

"Captain, perhaps we should adjourn to your Ready Room for a few minutes," he suggested.

"All right." Janeway stood and caught the arm of her chair for a moment, then steadied herself and walked towards the ready room

"Tuvok, you have the bridge. Have repair crews start as soon as possible," Chakotay ordered

"Yes, Sir."

"Ensign Kim, I need you to see about getting the EMH program back online ASAP. There's a number of crew in the messhall that need his attention."

"Right away, Sir."

"Lieutenant Paris, take the helm from Ensign Baytart."

"Aye, Sir."

With one final glance around the bridge, Chakotay nodded with satisfaction that things were well in hand. He stepped into the Ready Room, allowing the door to close.

"Captain, would you like a cup of coffee?"

"What?" Janeway focused on him her eyes still glassy. "Oh, no thank you, Commander."

"Very well. Can you tell me what happened?" Chakotay instinctively fell into counselor mode.

"I… don't … I'm not sure. I recall being hailed by a Sakaran, I believe that was what he called himself. The next thing I remember you were standing in front of me." 

"All right," Chakotay let out a sigh. "Why don't you go to your quarters? I'm sure it will come back to you, but I think you should rest."

"Commander, my ship has been attacked, without due cause! I will *not* go and rest," she snarled. She then staggered to her chair, holding her head as if in pain. 

"Captain, with all due respect. You may well have a head injury; I don't believe you're at your best at the moment. A few hours rest won't do any harm, and the crew has already started on repairs. As for why this happened, do you not trust Tuvok and me to find out why these aliens attacked us?"  
Janeway stared at him for a moment, and then nodded her acceptance that her first officer had things well in hand.   
*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Several hours later, Chakotay sat back with a groan and let out a sigh. He was tired, hungry and frustrated. While the ship's major systems hadn't been damaged too badly, many of the minor ones were still in dire straits. He was still no closer to understanding why the Sakaran had attacked, or their rationale behind the way the attack played out. The fact that they had disappeared, seemingly as quickly as they'd appeared, made even less sense to him.

The door chime interrupted his thoughts. 

"Enter." 

Tuvok stepped in. "Please excuse the intrusion, Commander. I understand that the captain was unable to tell you of the events leading up to the attack."

"Come in, Tuvok. I was just about to call you in. Yes, Captain Janeway doesn't recall more than being hailed by them. Have a seat."  
Tuvok sat across from Chakotay, poised but seemed a bit 'miffed', if that was possible for a Vulcan. 

"Tell me what happened, Tuvok. This just doesn't make sense."

"Sr'uin'I'sht, the Sakaran leader of the vessel we came upon, hailed us. He asked why we had invaded their space. I detected a bit of hostility but no more than any other species we have encountered. Captain Janeway explained our situation. The Sakaran leader ordered that we find another way. He offered an escort, relaying that they would help us avoid their space until such time as we were clear from violating their no trespassing doctrine. 

"Captain Janeway initially tried to insist that going through their sector was the quickest way through this area. When the Sakaran leader refused again, the captain became agitated. She ordered the transmission cancelled, then directed Ensign Baytart to move forward. Within seconds the Sakaran were firing on us and she ordered a full-scale attack. 

"Our weapons were outmatched, and Voyager was quickly disabled. The Sakaran ship then scanned the bridge, using a form of energy with which I am not familiar. Ensign Kim and I were pre-occupied with attempting to stabilize ship's systems, and I had not realized that Captain Janeway's mental status was in any way abnormal until just prior to your arrival."

Chakotay let out a sigh. "So basically what you're saying is, the Sakaran gave her the chance for safe passage, just not through their space, but the captain refused to accept it and picked a fight?"

"Indeed."

Chakotay ran his hand through his hair and cursed silently. This had to stop or they'd all end up dead long before they got to the Alpha Quadrant. He looked at Tuvok and noticed the controlled frustration on the Chief of Security's face.

"Off the record, Lieutenant Commander, unless Captain Janeway's attitude is adjusted and soon, I believe we are in for a much rougher ride than we've had so far."

"Please understand, Commander, first and foremost that I have the utmost respect for Captain Janeway. She is a good captain, one of the finest with whom I have had the privilege of working under," Tuvok paused, then after getting a nod from Chakotay, he concluded.

"I agree with your assessment, although the captain's motives are unclear to me. It is as if she has become single-minded in the quest to get Voyager home, yet it is   
not logical to endanger the ship or crew to the extent that she has. It is evident that the Sakaran could have inflicted much more damage had that been their intent. 

"If I may, my observation is that they treated Captain Janeway like a spoiled child, as opposed to a real threat."

Chakotay chuckled; he could just imagine how Janeway would feel about that observation. 

 

"Bridge to Commander Chakotay," Ensign Kim's voice interrupted before anything else could be said.

"Chakotay here."

"Commander, the Sakaran are hailing us."

"I'm on my way, Chakotay out." He ended the link. "Shall we see what they want now, Tuvok?"

"As you wish, Commander."

The two senior officers joined the crew on the bridge.

"Open a channel, Ensign," Chakotay ordered. The view screen shimmered and an alien appeared. "I'm Commander Chakotay, of the Starship Voyager."

"Commander Chakotay, I am Sr'uin'I'sht of Sakaran, the leader of this vessel. Are you *now* in charge?"

"The Captain is not available at the moment. I can receive whatever message you wish to give her."

"Commander, I wish to speak to you confidentially. Will you allow me to join your crew for a short time? I shall come unarmed and unaccompanied."  
Chakotay looked at Tuvok, who gave him a slight nod. Seems the Vulcan was just as curious about what the Sakaran had to say as he did. 

Turning back to the screen: "Very well, Sr'uin'I'sht, permission granted. If you would send your coordinates, Lieutenant Commander Tuvok and I will meet you in our transporter room."

When the link was ended, Chakotay gave Tuvok a nod, and they both walked towards the lift.

"Lieutenant Paris, you have the bridge," Chakotay ordered.

"Aye, sir."

Tuvok followed Chakotay into the lift and ordered the computer to proceed to deck nine. Neither man spoke as they went through the ship to transporter room one. 

Chakotay couldn't help but wonder why the Sakaran were suddenly willing to talk. He was sure that Tuvok was just as curious, although he wasn't going to ask the other man.

Once they arrived at the transporter room, Chakotay ordered the crewman to transport Sr'uin'l'sht.

"Welcome, Sr'uin'l'sht," Chakotay greeted the Sakaran once he had materialized. 

"Greetings, Commander. Thank you for seeing me," he responded. 

Once they were in the Briefing Room, Chakotay offered Sr'uin'l'sht a seat and something to drink.

"Regretfully, I must decline. I will come straight to the point, Commander Chakotay. Our race spent many years struggling to retain the area of space your ship has entered. Once our domain was secure, it was ruled that unwelcome arrivals would be deterred as quickly as possible. When your captain refused our escort around our space, I was forced to immobilize this ship. I realized immediately that Captain Janeway was far too rigid to actually be willing to work with my people. We do not collaborate with others who believe themselves superior to us. 

"A quick scan of your ship's computer allowed me the ability to see that not all of the habitants of this vessel were as arrogant as their leader. After disabling Voyager, I had my second in command neutralize your captain." Sr'uin'l'sht held up a hand when he saw the outrage on the two men's faces. "She is unharmed, just subdued. As I said, your captain is quite arrogant. While scanning her, I ascertained that she believes her methods are the only acceptable ones, and my intention is to dissuade that thinking. 

"You are in an area of space that your people are not familiar with. You have no clear idea of who or what you are facing. On behalf of my people, I am willing to show you what you require to make your journey through this sector safe, but only if I am able to deal with someone who is willing to listen with an open mind. Something your captain gave me no indication of doing. 

"It was my choice to give you the benefit of the doubt. I regret any injures or damage you have incurred and my colleagues will do what they can to help repair your vessel. I shall tell you that if you had stumbled upon another member of my people, you could have come away from the encounter far worse."  
Chakotay and Tuvok shared a silent moment, with the confirmation of their earlier suspicions. A slight nod from Tuvok gave Chakotay the affirmation he needed.

"Sr'uin'l'sht, I want to thank you for your frankness. Lieutenant Tuvok and I appreciate it. And we will accept your offer of assistance. But I do need to ask, whatever you did to the captain, can and will it be undone? You must understand, we will not agree or disagree with your assessment, but Captain Janeway is our leader. This crew depends on her command, this is *her* ship."

"Once you have left our territory she will return to her former self, but you *must* understand that we have the ability to monitor quite a long range of space, if I deem that she has gone back to her former arrogance I may be forced to intervene. The survival of the Sakaran is *my* priority. Aggression by another species could trigger problems for the long fought for co-existence in this sector."

Chakotay was taken aback for a second, then he nodded his acceptance of the thinly veiled threat to his captain. 

"I will make sure that Captain Janeway understands the need for our discretion in the area," Chakotay promised, silently praying he'd be able to keep his word. 

"I shall re-enforce the Commander's word to the captain. I believe she will understand the logic in the long run," Tuvok assured the Sakaran. This also confirmed for   
Chakotay, his suspicion that Tuvok thought it could be a struggle with the captain too. 

They continued talking for a few minutes, arranging for some of Sr'uin'l'sht's men to help with the repairs to the hull and other assorted minor repairs. The Sakaran insisted they allow this, explaining that this was a tradition among his people when alliances were formed. 

When they were done, Chakotay excused himself, leaving Tuvok to work out the minor details. He wanted to check on the captain. Chakotay wanted to verify that she   
wasn't harmed for himself. 

He rang the door chime and entered when the door opened. Looking around, he found Captain Janeway sitting on her lounge reading. 

"Captain, how are you feeling?" Chakotay asked as he made his way over to her.

"Fine," she responded coolly.

"Do you need anything? Can I get you something, Kathryn?"

"I *need* to get back on the bridge! Get the doctor to release me," she growled.

Before Chakotay could answer Janeway let out a gasp. She put one hand over her mouth and the other went to her forehead. 

"Kathryn? Are you all right? Let me get you to sickbay."

She shook her head, then took a deep breath. "No, Chakotay, I'll be fine. I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Don’t worry about it. I understand you're anxious to return to duty, but really you don't appear well. The crew needs you rested and healthy. Take a few days off, Tuvok and I can handle it."

"I have every faith in you being able to command, Chakotay. But you are right; I do want to return to duty. The Doctor said I'm overworked. Perhaps he's right."

"I have to agree, you've been pushing yourself quite hard these days. Everyone is, but you more so. Just allow Tuvok and myself to get us through this sector of space. By then you should be right as rain."

"Speaking of which, did you find out why the Sakaran attacked us?" Janeway stood, went over to the viewport and stared out into the stars.

"Simply put, their defense system automatically attacks anyone who crosses their space, but only to disarm. Once they have established intent, then the Sakaran handle the matter accordingly." That lie came too easily, he thought. "Tuvok and I met with the owner of the vessel and he has offered help with repairs, a star chart of the Sakaran domain and an escort for safe passage."

"How far out of our way are they taking us?" Janeway asked. She turned to face Chakotay and he could see that she was clearly becoming agitated.

"The detour will take us, roughly four months off course."

"Four? That's unacceptable, Commander!" She yelled, then gasped. 

Chakotay watched as the captain went from red with rage to white, as if in pain. She staggered to a chair and sat heavily. Chakotay knelt in front of her, took her wrist and checked her pulse. 

"Captain, I don't like this. I really think you should be in sickbay."

"No, I hate sickbay," Janeway whispered. "I…I'm sorry. I shouldn't be getting upset with you. I know you will do what's best for the ship and its crew."

"Thank you for the confidence. How about I help you get to bed? You really need to rest." Chakotay said as he turned her hand over and placed it in his. And I need to check with Sr'uin'l'sht, he thought.

"No, you go on. I'm sure Tom is waiting for you. I'll be fine,' she smiled and patted his hand. 

"If you're sure." Chakotay stood, squeezed her shoulder. "Call me if you need anything. Tuvok and I will keep you updated."

"Thank you, Chakotay. Good night," she said quietly.

"Good night, Kathryn."

Chakotay left her quarters and commed Tuvok. A quick moment with the Lieutenant Commander and Chakotay was off to find his wayward partner.   
Later, once Tom and Chakotay had eaten, Chakotay explained everything that was going on.

"So, you’re saying that Captain Janeway can't become aggressive or pissed?" Tom asked, as he cleaned up the remains of their meal.

"Basically, yes. If she shows any signs of her "unacceptable behavior" the efforts of the Sakaran probe intensifies and she become almost passive," Chakotay answered. He sat on the couch and opened his arms, silently inviting Tom to sit with him.

Tom let out a low whistle as he sat within the circle of Chakotay's arms. "And this is going to continue, even after we leave Sarakan space behind?" 

"According to Sr'uin'l'sht, their 'ties' reach far into the next sector of space. So yes, until we have gotten completely away from them, Captain Janeway could be subject to these bouts of docile behavior."

"Damn, too bad they aren't in the Alpha Quadrant. I'd like to have that technology around the Admiral." 

"Among others," Chakotay laughed.

"Sure wish they'd been around when Seska was screwing with us." Tom felt Chakotay stiffen immediately. "Sorry, Chief. I know she's a sore subject, but you have to look on the bright side. One; you were never as involved with her as she wanted you to be. And two; the baby wasn't yours."

"I know, but I can't help but feel like a fool for being deceived."

"Hey, it's all over and we'll never have to deal with crap like that again," Tom smiled. 

"Let's hope not," Chakotay stifled a yawn. "I'm so tired. This has been the longest day."

"Yeah, I'm exhausted myself, but can we just sit here for a few minutes? I really don't want to get up just yet."

"Sure." Chakotay pulled Tom in closer. "You know, this is what I was talking about. Spending time together like this might seem trivial now, but I believe later on we'll remember this and smile."

"You're such a romantic." Tom turned sideways, and kissed Chakotay softly on the lips.

"Thanks," Chakotay smiled and kissed Tom in return.

 

The End 

To be continued in "Shameless".


	10. Shameless

Tom Paris was pissed. No! He was way more than pissed; infuriated, incensed. Now that was closer to what he was feeling at the moment. He was stuck on the bridge while Captain Janeway was in sickbay with *his* partner, trying to help him through the transition of learning he'd been brainwashed. Tom still felt guilty over not going with Chakotay on the away mission in the first place. Adding the fact that for about forty-eight hours they believed he was dead, then *he* wasn't the one who got Chakotay back, Tuvok was. 

Okay, logically Tom knew he was too emotionally involved to probably *not* screw things up, but still… Now, he needed to be with his lover. Chakotay was no doubt more than a little confused and a lot angry. Tom knew firsthand how Chakotay reacted to being used, and it wasn't a pretty thing.

Slowly the minutes ticked by, only ten more and Tom was out of there. He'd go find Chakotay, and they'd have a quiet evening. If Chakotay wanted to talk, great. If not, that was fine too as far as Tom was concerned. 

Tom found Chakotay in their shared quarters, with the Captain. From the tension in the air, things were not going well, but for the life of him Tom couldn’t figure out what could be wrong. 

Chakotay was standing with his back ramrod straight, fists clenched. Janeway had her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. 

"Everything okay here?" Tom asked tentatively. 

"Everything's fine, Tom," Chakotay answered through gritted teeth.

'I still want an answer, mister. How dare you embarrass me that way?" Janeway snarled.

"Again, I apologize, captain. It was not my intention to embarrass you, which is why I left as I did. Had I stayed, I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions." Chakotay explained slowly, as if speaking to a child.

"Chakotay?" Tom spoke again. 

Chakotay held up his hand to stop Tom's inquiry. "If that will be all, Captain. I'd like to speak to Tom."

"This isn't over, Chakotay. You *will* be held responsible for your lack of control." Captain Janeway turned to leave.

"Now, just a minute!" Tom yelled, his earlier anger roaring back with a vengeance. Nobody- *nobody* -threatened his Chakotay like that; he didn't care *who* they were "What the hell is going on? How can you hold him responsible for what the Vori did to him?"

"This has nothing to do with his having been brainwashed, Lieutenant. This has to do with him being rude to the Kraden that helped us locate him," Janeway growled.

"Rude to the Kraden? What did you do, Chief, punch him?"

"No! As much as I wanted to, I didn't. I walked away so I wouldn't cause a scene," Chakotay answered clenching his teeth and fists.

"You embarrassed me! You didn't even have the decency to say thank you to the ambassador," Janeway snarled. "That was the least you could have done."

"Wait! Are you telling me that you're angry with Chakotay because he couldn't hold polite conversation with the Kraden ambassador? The very species he'd been brainwashed to believe was his enemy?" Tom was now so furious he was shaking.  
"The ambassador helped us locate and retrieve Chakotay. He's *not* the enemy! The Vori were. They're the one who've been so savage in their efforts to win the war."  
"Captain, no disrespect intended, but that's just fucked! Chakotay was drugged and brainwashed into believing that the Vori were the ones being massacred. I'm no expert in mind control, but it just seems like common sense to assume it will take time for Chakotay to unlearn those responses! To expect him to fall all over someone who was an enemy ten minutes earlier is just plain stupid!"  
"Are you calling me stupid, Lieutenant?"  
"No ma'am. But, I don't believe you are thinking clearly."  
"My brain is just fine, Mr. Paris. You, on the other hand, are skating quite close to insubordination."  
"Oh. Are you here in an official capacity? Is Commander Chakotay being reprimanded for dereliction of duty? Behavior unbecoming an officer?"  
"What? No. I'm not here as the captain. I'm here because…." Janeway stopped.  
"Because you were embarrassed, nothing more," Chakotay whispered.  
"Now, Captain. I think you need to *back off*. Chakotay has been through a lot in the past week, and I'm sure the Doctor said he should rest before he returns to duty."  
Captain Janeway left without another word.  
"Tom, you shouldn't have spoken to her like that. I could have…."  
"I know you can handle her, Chief, normally. But right now you're a mess, and that's what I'm here for. She can take her anger out on me for a while. Although, I've got to tell you that I was real close to calling Tuvok and filing a formal complaint against her."  
"Tom!"  
"What? She has no right to use her rank or yours to reprimand you for what was clearly a natural reaction."  
"I'm too tired to argue with you."  
"Good, don't. Now, let's see about getting you comfortable. Did the Doctor give you any special instructions? Don't lie to me, I will check with him," Tom said with a smile, hoping to take any sting out of his words.  
"No, just get some rest," Chakotay answered.  
"Okay then. Why don't you go and get out of that uniform and I'll see about spending your hard earned rations on a decent meal," Tom ordered.  
"All right. I still think you should watch how you talk to the captain. It could cause problems."  
"Chief, don't you realize that when it comes to you, there's nothing I wouldn't do? I have no control over myself when it comes to protecting you," Tom shrugged.  
"I love you too, Tom." Chakotay kissed Tom on the cheek.  
"I know, now go and change."

 

Once Tom had fed Chakotay and gotten him to go to sleep, Tom went to play a couple of games of pool with Harry. He was still pretty annoyed with Captain Janeway and figured banging around a few balls would help with that frustration. Unfortunately, just as Tom got into the groove of beating up his imagined nemesis, Captain Janeway appeared in front of the pool table.  
"Lieutenant Paris, I'd like a word with you, please," she said sternly.  
Tom straightened up from the pool table, laid his cue down, nodded to Harry and turned to the captain. "Of course, Captain. Why don't we have a seat?" He walked over to the table he and Harry had procured earlier, without checking to see if Janeway was following him. He knew she would.  
Sitting across from Tom, Captain Janeway stared at him for a moment, as if trying to collect her thoughts.  
Tom decided he wasn't going to allow her to make him squirm.  
"Captain, I apologize if you think I was out of line earlier, but honestly, I think you were the one who was. You climbed all over Chakotay because he had a normal human response to what he perceived as a threat. That was wrong. Now if you wish to put me on report, fine, but you should know that I recorded my version of what happened."  
"Lieutenant, I have no intention of reporting your actions. Under the circumstances, I do understand your defense of Chakotay. I will warn you though, if you *ever* speak to me like that again, you'll find yourself in major trouble," Janeway took a deep breath. "What I wanted to say was that perhaps I acted hastily in speaking to Chakotay as I did."  
Tom snorted.  
"I will talk to him, again, and express my regret for seeming irrational. I won't even defend my reasoning. It doesn't truly matter," she said in the most contrite voice she could muster. "I should have realized that he was under mental duress. I wanted to ask you if he was resting or asleep. I didn't want to disturb him if he was sleeping."  
"When I left he was asleep," Tom informed her.  
"All right, then I'll leave it until tomorrow. The EMH said Chakotay shouldn't return to duty until he was sure the drugs were no longer affecting the Commander."  
"Thank you, Captain. I'll let him know he should expect a visit."  
"Thank you, Tom. Good night." Janeway got up and left.  
Harry waited until the captain left, then joined Tom at the table.  
"You know, Tom, one of these days she's going to smack you down for your attitude," Harry informed his best friend.  
Tom shrugged; "I don't really care in this case, Harry. When it comes to loving Chakotay, I'm shameless. Nothing in this universe means more to me than he does. If that gets me thrown in the brig, so be it."  
"I hope Chakotay knows just how lucky he is."  
"Nah! I'm the lucky one, Harry. Because he was willing to take a chance on me," Tom stated matter-of-factly.  
Finished….  
To be Continued in "All About Soul"


	11. All About Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in the Alpha Quadrant, it's time to rebuild or is it?

Chakotay and Tom stepped off the transport onto Dorvan V's soil. For the first time in nearly a decade, Chakotay was finally home. Admiral Janeway had come through for them and just ten short days ago, Voyager blasted its way back into the Alpha Quadrant. Starfleet was merciful in that they kept the debriefings short. Having been in contact with the lone starship for the past three years, they had most of the information they needed. Everything the crew went through at Deep Space Nine was merely a formality. Following the depredations of the Dominion War, Starfleet viewed Voyager's Maquis as inconsequential, and had issued a blanket amnesty. As for Tom Paris, the remainder of his prison term was forgiven based on 'time served', much to everyone's relief.

Now the real work began, going home to family and friends. Trying to rebuild and reconnect with their home worlds. When asked, Tom immediately told anyone who would listen that he was going wherever Chakotay was bound. His 'career' with Starfleet had ended a long time ago, and he had no desire to go backwards. He didn't, however, share the fact that after seven years serving under Captain "I am GOD" Janeway, he'd rather slit his throat than go through that again. 

Chakotay looked around, taking in the sights of the planet where he grew up. His heart ached for the loss and devastation he could see and feel. He had spoken to his mother and brothers two days after returning; they had not told him everything in their communiqués to him. They said they didn't want to add to his burden. Chakotay understood their reasoning, but he was still saddened by the fact that they believed he wouldn't handle the news well. His family still looked upon him as the 'baby'. He snorted to himself, he felt far too old to be close to a young man, let alone a baby. 

"So, Chief. You ready to go home?" Tom asked with a smile.

"Yes I am. Mama and Beyvahl should be at the house. Nayib is probably still at work."

"Okay, let's go."

Chakotay nodded, took Tom's hand and led the way to his mother's home. Along the way, Chakotay pointed out specific places to Tom, giving him a brief history of life on Dorvan V. Chakotay also told Tom about some of his experiences with the owner of a shop or home as they passed by. 

Chakotay was overjoyed to see his family again after so long, and they seemed equally thrilled to see him. His mother held him for the longest time, petting his head and weeping softly. Tom and Chakotay were treated to a home-cooked meal of all of Chakotay's favorites, and the dinner conversation centered mainly on some of Voyager's adventures in the Delta. It was a subject both Tom and Chakotay would cheerfully have left behind them, but they both understood the family's need to know what Chakotay's life had been like during the long separation. Chakotay's mother Maria made every effort to include Tom in the conversation, but Tom kept getting a strange vibe from the elder woman, as well as Chakotay's brothers. He finally decided Chakotay's family just needed to spend some quality time with their prodigal son, and tried to make it clear he had no problem with that.

That evening, Beyvahl took Chakotay aside. 'We lost so many people during the war that the elders are afraid Dorvan can no longer sustain a viable population. The elders are looking to the younger ones to marry and have families."

"I can understand that. Our people need a new generation."

"Yes, we do. That's why you have to get rid of Paris and pick a mate among the women of our planet."

Chakotay stared at his brother, stunned. 

"Chakotay, the elders aren't going to allow him to stay. It's essential that we all marry within the tribe, to carry on our own blood. Paris won't be able to marry anyone here." 

"Beyvahl, Tom and I are together, as in partners, lovers, whatever term you want to use. I'm not going to send him away. Neither of us are looking for a wife." He was enraged.

"You don't understand. The elders won't accept it or him. You *must* marry own of your own."

"Fine, then we'll leave. I won't stay here and be forced to be with someone I don't love. Tom is my heart and soul."

"Father was right, you are contrary. Your people need you!" Beyvahl yelled.

"Is everything all right?" Tom's voice came from behind.

"Tom, go back inside. Beyvahl and I are just having a misunderstanding."

Beyvahl turned to Tom. "No. Everything isn't all right. Because of *you* my brother is willing to turn his back on his people."

"What!? What are you talking about? He… *we* came to help."

"*You* can't help!" Beyvahl growled. "Chakotay must marry a woman from Dorvan and have a family. You are neither female nor a native of this planet."

"Chief? Is that true? They want you to get married?"

"I don't care what *they* want! I don't want it! If it means leaving here again, for good, so be it."

Chakotay stormed off before his brother or Tom could say another word. 

Beyvahl glared at Tom. "I always said you were trouble. Even when Chakotay came back and praised you for your 'noble' efforts. You're a Paris, through and through."

"You're right, Beyvahl, I am a Paris and there's nothing I can do about my last name or the DNA that runs throughout my body. But I can damn well change the attitude of people like *you* about what that name means." Tom turned and headed after Chakotay.

Beyvahl stomped back into his mother's house, cursing under his breath. 

"You know it could have waited until Chakotay was settled a bit," Maria scolded.

"No, mama, it couldn't. Paris can't be allowed to get comfortable here. Chakotay has to get rid of him. He's got to accept his responsibility to our people. For once in his life!"

"Isn't that what got him thrown to the other side of the galaxy, Bey? The responsibility his people placed upon him? The need to atone for the loss of his father? I think in time he will do what's best for our people. Don't push him, or we'll lose him again," she whispered.

"Fine, I won't push Chakotay, but I'm going to make damn sure Tom Paris doesn't feel welcome."

 

Tom found Chakotay sitting under a tree not far from the house. He sat down next to Chakotay and stared out at the stars. Neither said anything for a while, just took in the beauty of the sky. 

Finally, Tom broke the silence. "I'll go, just say the word and I'll get out of your life, Chief."

"No! I won't allow it," Chakotay growled.

"Chakotay, seriously. Your family, your people will never accept me… us. They will make your life miserable. I won't be responsible for that. I'll walk away before I cause you that kind of pain."

"Fuck you, Paris. You promised me seven years ago that you wouldn't leave. You'd swore to me that if I gave you a chance you'd never let me regret opening my heart to you."

"You're right, I did, Chakotay. I also promised to walk away if that was what you needed me to do. And right now, it looks like that's what I should do. I love you with all that I am, Chakotay. I always will. The past seven years have been the best of my life. No, the past ten have. The day I met you was the beginning. But, I won't hold on to you if it's going to cost you your family. You will regret it, and you'll end up hating me. I could never live with myself if that happened."

"I can't let you just walk away, Tom. If I do, I know I'll die inside. I've lived without this part of my family for a long time. But Tom, you are my family too. I won't turn my back on you to please them."

Chakotay hoped he'd made himself clear to Tom, but he knew what a strong sense of self-sacrifice his lover possessed. He knew Tom loved him, but he was very much afraid that Tom would leave him for his own good, and for the good of Dorvan V. 

Neither agreeing nor agreeing to disagree, the two of them sat together in silence until it was time for bed, where they clung together like frightened children, caught up in an uncertain future. The irony in that didn't escape Chakotay's notice... they'd survived the Delta Quadrant only to find a new threat right here at home. 

The next morning, Chakotay sat with his mother and brothers having breakfast. Tom decided to make himself scarce for the time being and went into town. The tension at the table was enough to make Chakotay want to scream. 

"So, Chakotay. Have you given any thought to what I said last night?" Beyvahl asked.

"Yes, and Tom and I will be leaving as soon as we can get a transport." Chakotay answered coolly. 

"You can't leave! You just got home," Nayib said.

"I'm sorry Nay, mama. But I will not stay here if it means turning my back on Tom, just please to some archaic thought that we must keep our bloodlines clean."

"You'd turn your back on your people instead?" Beyvahl snarled.

"If I'm forced to make a choice, yes. I came home to help rebuild our community, with sweat and blood if necessary. But what I won't do is marry someone I don't love just to breed. I refuse."

"Son, I think you're making this decision too quickly. You haven't had time to grasp the whole picture. The devastation and loss has been tremendous."

"I won't be a stud stallion. I can't. I won't let that happen again!" Chakotay pushed away from the table, got up and walked towards the front door.

"Chakotay! Wait," his mother called. He stopped, turned and looked at her. "What do you mean you won't let that happen again?"

Chakotay let out a sigh. He never intended for his family to find out the uglier details of his life in the Delta Quadrant, and Seska was definitely in that off limits  
category. Then again if it would help them understand, so be it. He came back to the table and sat.

"Beyvahl, Nayib, you remember Seska?" They both nodded. "Do you recall her obsession with me?" 

"Yes," Nayib acknowledged. "She was quite persistent."

"That's an understatement," Chakotay snorted. "She was on my ship when we ended up in the Delta Quadrant. She was just as determined to get me in her bed as she had been before. Added to that, she became hell bent on us aligning ourselves with the Kazon, a rather nasty race in one sector of the quadrant. They wanted our technology in exchange for 'safe passage' through their space. Of course, Captain Janeway refused; it was a direct violation of the Prime Directive. 

"Seska stole a replicator and gave it to one of the Kazon ships we'd come across. When we found out they had technology of ours, the Captain, Tuvok and I started an investigation. That's how we discovered Seska involvement, she was the one who gave it to them. When she was confronted she tried to deny it, blamed a Starfleet crewmember. Anyway, the EMH also discovered that Seska was not who or what she claimed to be. 

"She wasn't Bajoran, she was a Cardassian spy. When that revelation became known, she had herself transported off Voyager and onto a nearby Kazon ship. Over the course of the next several months, we had several encounters with that ship and Seska. On one occasion I was held captive and she stole my DNA, so she could impregnate herself, believing that I would give anything to be near my child, including Voyager. She was wrong; I would have never done that. But, I did go after her, and tried to retrieve the son she bore believing it was mine. He wasn't, but that did *not* alleviate my feeling of betrayal.

"The man *you* are asking me to turn my back on, so I can marry a nice girl from Dorvan V and have children, was the *one* person who was able to help me get over that betrayal, among others. I won't be used like that again, and I won't toss Tom aside just to please the members of my family who supposedly love me."  
Chakotay stood again and walked out of the house. It was time to find Tom and pack their bags. 

 

Maria and her sons sat at the table and watched Chakotay leave. None of them could find the words to stop him or offer sympathy.  
Suddenly, Tom appeared at the back door. He'd heard every word and decided that Chakotay left out a few things that his family needed to hear. They had to understand that it wasn't just the mess with Seska that Chakotay was fighting against. There was a lot more. He cleared his throat, to make his presence known as he stepped inside the house.

"Told you about Seska, did he?" Tom spoke, not looking at any of them. "Well, Chakotay's been through a lot more than just what she did. What he didn't mention was the time he ran into a group of former Borg, who created a small collective, which included him, to help him recover from an injury that could have killed him. Later, they used that link to force him to disobey orders to help them." Tom stopped and took a deep breath. 

Captain Janeway also used that link and Chakotay to sever our own resident Borg, Seven of Nine, from the hive mind. Not that she gave Chakotay a choice. Then there was the time Chakotay was brainwashed by another Delta species to fight an enemy they called the nemesis." Tom finally looked at the occupants of the room.

"The last time Chakotay did anything remotely of his own free will was when he was fifteen and walked away from his people to start a career in Starfleet. Even that was taken from him, when Kolopak was killed. Don't get me wrong, Chakotay would have sold his soul to help his people, but he still had to give up something that could never be replaced. He felt he had no choice."

 

"Even getting together with me, you could look at it as him being forced. I dragged his heart out of the safe place he'd put it in that day he left Starfleet and the world he'd grown to love. *I* made him think twice about his choices. Yet, he was willing to give me a chance, to risk being hurt once again. Every day for the past seven, I have cherished that trust, that leap of faith he put in me. I won't allow *anyone* to take that from me. *But* if his people force him to marry and start a family, I will walk away. Why? Because I love him that much, he's my soul. 

"Do *you* love him enough to allow him the freedom to once again use his free will, for the first time in thirty years, to make a decision on his own? Or will you and the elders go the way of Seska, the Borg, the Vori, hell, even Captain Janeway and force him to be something he isn't?"

Tom scanned the faces of the people who claimed to love Chakotay as much as he did. 

"Now, it's your turn to choice, to use *your* free will. I spoke to a couple of the elders while I was in town. While they agree that Dorvan V is in need of a new generation, they also need people to help rebuild. They went as far as to offer me a place among that group, because they believe I can help, even if I'm not one of you. So, I'm going to talk to Chakotay, tell him *I* want to stay and be a part of the next generation of people on Dorvan V. The generation that forged a *new* community, a better Dorvan V."

Beyvahl snorted. "You want to *help* the very people your father sold out?"

"I think you missed my point last night, Beyvahl. It's my goal in life to prove that not all Paris' are bastards. Although at this particular moment, I'm not feeling quite so benevolent, and never let it be said that Tom Paris won't use an opportunity to his advantage. Those same elders told me that you, Beyvahl, expressed how you had no desire to marry at the moment. So, tell me why are you forcing Chakotay to make a choice you yourself refuse to? Could it be that you don't want the responsibility but have no problem with making others take it on?"

"I never said I wouldn't marry," Beyvahl defended. "I haven't found someone I want to spend my life with."

"Yet, you're willing to have Chakotay take up with any woman, as long as she's from Dorvan V, and start a family. Is that fair to your brother? The woman, whomever she may be? And what about the children? Trust me, growing up in a loveless household is no way for a child to flourish. Besides, there are children who are in the orphanage that need parents. There is nothing stopping Chakotay and I from adopting a couple and raising them.

"There are so many other ways Chakotay and I can help here. Why are you willing to push your brother away? Has the war stripped you of every human kindness? Did it make your heart so hard that you can't see or don't care that you're killing your brother?" Tom shook his head.

"There's nothing else I can say to make you understand that I'd give everything I am to keep Chakotay's faith in people alive. I'm done here. Maria, thank you for your hospitality."

Tom turned and walked out the door, leaving in his wake three very subdued people. Nayvib had his head in his hands, stunned at all his brother had gone through over the past seven years. Beyvahl, torn between loathing Tom Paris for showing him his own unwillingness to give into the demand he placed on his brother, and wishing he'd find someone who held as much love for him as the blond had for Chakotay. Maria was openly weeping for the pain her son had endured. 

Finally Maria stood; "I'll go to the council myself and talk to them. No one will force Chakotay to go through another nightmare like that. If they cannot accept him and his chosen, then I shall go with him and Tom wherever they decide to settle down." She wiped the tears from her face. "Tom is right, there are children who need homes and there's no reason why Chakotay and he can't give that to some of them. I believe it's time for the older women of this tribe to let the men know that they don't have all the answers." Then she was gone.

That evening, Chakotay again sat under his favorite tree. He always enjoyed the peace he found there. Beyvahl came over and sat next to him. Neither said anything for a longest time, both just took in the splendor around them.

"I think I understand now, what you see in Tom Paris," Beyvahl spoke quietly, as if afraid to disturb the beauty surrounding him and his brother.

"Oh? And what have you found?"

"He's passionate about his convictions. He's got a sensibility about him that would make most people weep to have. And he's one hell of tough cookie."

Chakotay laughed; "Yes he is. But you know what else, Bey?"

"Tell me, Chakotay. Help me understand."

"Tom's got soul. He's about faith and a deeper devotion. He gives me all the tenderness I need to help ease my pain. I don't have to tell him when I'm hurting or when I need silence. He just knows. Tom's my strength when I can't find any within myself. He shows me what the power of love and healing is all about. Life isn't fair, but because of Tom, I've been able to take whatever life throws at me. People talk about 'soulmates'; Tom is more than that. He *is* my soul. Before him, I was only half-alive. No, that's not true, before him I merely existed. Because of Tom Paris I have a soul now." Chakotay finished with a sigh. He was sure none of what he said made sense to his brother, but there wasn't any other way to explain what he felt.

Beyvahl found himself at a loss for words. How could he argue against faith, hope and love? He knew he couldn't. 

"Chakotay, I don't want you to leave. You have so much to offer our tribe, you and Tom both. I was wrong to believe I knew what was best for you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for assuming you wouldn't understand what was needed. It would appear that you and Tom know more than I do. Our people need what you and he have."

"I don't want to leave either, Bey. I want to stay and help in any way I can. Tom does too," Chakotay snorted. "He's already got his eye on a little boy *and* girl he wants us to adopt."

 

"Doesn't waste any time, does he?"

"Nope."

"I suppose he's right, not all Paris' are bastards."

"No, they aren't. Tom's a good man."

"I'm starting to see that. Again I apologize."

"Apology accepted," Tom's voice startled both of them. They turned around and saw him smiling down at them. "Everything okay here?"

"Yeah, Tom. Everything's just fine," Chakotay answered.

"Good. Now I've made arrangements for you and me to have dinner with Jamal and Tara." Tom held out his hand to Chakotay. "Come on, you need to get cleaned up. Can't have our future kids thinking one of their fathers is a slob, can we?" Tom grinned.

Chakotay smiled back and took Tom's hand, allowing Tom to help him up. He wiped the leaves off the back of his pants. "See you later, Beyvahl," Chakotay said with a chuckle.

"Don't stay up too late, there's a lot to be done. Tomorrow we start rebuilding Dorvan," Beyvahl called out to their retreating backs. He smiled to himself, his brother was right, it's all about soul.

The End


End file.
